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So...You Want to be Awesome?

2007-07-06T10:18:00.001-05:00

What's up playazzzzzzzz with a zzzzzz, cause z's are more fucking awezome than s's. Theze guyz = awezome. Yea, zeriouzly there'z a math equation that literally meazures awezomenezz and theze guyz...off the f'in chartz.

Ok, enough with the whole z instead of s thing, that was only awesome for a few minutes, it didn't have that awesome staying power the guys pictured above do.

Many people around the world struggle with a variety of things, some of them we can relate to and some we can't, like obesity, how someone could be so fat and disgusting and have generally no regard for life is beyond me, but maybe that's not for me to understand...you know? But, the one thing we all struggle with, universally, is how to be awesome.

You've thought about it before, shit, you're probably thinking it right now! "Am I going to be a little more awesome from visiting a blog on the internet?" Chances are, that unless you have your hair gel'd to a near shiv like texture, then no. But...under the small circumstance that you drove home in a souped up mustang to read this blog from your mac, then yes...you'll be a little more awesome when we are finished.

Being awesome isn't something that just us young bucks think about. Our parents often fretted over whether what they were doing was going to make them awesome. I know, seems hard to understand and grasp. How could the same person that wiped your ass and cleaned up spit-up ever be awesome? Well, if you're like me and your parents were born in the 50's, then they were even more awesome then you might realize. Ever heard of Woodstock...fucking awesome. Elvis Pressley...King Ding-a-Awesome. That had more awesome things that we could ever dream of. But, I'm not here to talk about yesteryear, I'm here to talk about how does our generation become awesome.

It's really pretty easy. Just study this picture above if you're a guy, mimick the styling of the clothes, hair, and facial expression and with just a little extra work...you're awesome. The hardest part is going to be making those cool facial expressions for an entire day. I recommend renting "Zoolander," and freeze-framing the dvd whenever Ben Stiller shows you Blue Steel. That facial expression is awesome. Make sure to practice gel'ing your hair too. There's a fine line between awesome spiked hair and looking like a porcupine. No awesome ho likes a porcupine. I recommend spending between 15-20 hours a day in front of your mirror practicing the facial expressions and working on your hair. Please ensure that your Zune is plugged into a sweet boombox and pumping the latest from Paul Okenfold and that you turn on your overhead blacklight. That's really going to help. Once you get the look down (probably anywhere between 2-6 months later) start practicing awesome syntax like, "sweet" "fuck yea" "hold up shawty, lemme holla at ya" and last but not least "awesome." It's really important when using any of these phrases that you remember to not over-pronunciate any of the words. Proper grammar and speech is the first sign that you are a douchebag, and clearly not awesome.

So, you've got the styling, facial expression, the grammar, and the music down...what's next? Tanning asshole...tanning. You can't be awesome and be pale. Look at Casper, he's pale as shit, and you know what else he is...dead. Dead people aren't awesome, unless they die doing awesome things, like nude motorcross while drunk, high, and finger banging a midget clown. So, get out there kid-o and throw some bronzer on because it's time to get melanoma, melanoma means you are awesome. If you leave somewhere like North Dakota, sun based tanning be difficult. Thank god for tanning beds. If you aren't awesome enough to buy your own tanning bed, then try finding a local tanning salon in your town. Since most towns have an awesome to douchebag ratio of 6-1, finding an awesome person who opened a salon shouldn't be too hard. Ask about the lifetime special, if they tell you they don't offer such a deal, tell them they aren't awesome.

**Fact**

When a clearly awesome person tells someone who questions their awesomeness that they may in fact not even be awesome at all, it creates what is called the "awesome effect." During this effect the person who is questioning their own awesomeness will do anything they can to appear to be awesome in front of an awesome person. Bingo bongo bango...you've got your lifetime tanning pass!

So, now that that's taken care of, go ahead and hop in that superbed. You'll want to bring an awesome engineer with you the first time so you can rewire the bed to make it hotter than the sun. You won't get an awesome tan until you burn off your top layer of unawesome skin. Once ou hit the tanning bed for 6 hours a day for the rest of our life, you're almost awesome.

No awesome guy is really awesome until he finds an equally awesome girl. There's some hot spots where awesome girls hang out, like Hot Topic in the mall. If you can't find an awesome girl there, I'll give you my awesomeness!! Hot Topic's not the only place to find an awesome girl though, sometimes you can find them working the desk of your tanning salon or a shoe store like Journey's, also in the mall. Detecting an awesome girl can be difficult. The best way to judge if a girl is awesome or not is to see what happens when you expose yourself to her and say, "Suck this bitch." Her reaction will dictate whether she is awesome or not.

Once you find that special awesome girl, gather up with your awesome friends and sit in the back of your buddy Spike's pick-up truck. Drink beer, cuss a lot, yell at people, and have Skynard playing at a near deafening level, because that's what will let the other passersby know you aren't fucking around, and are awesome. If you live in a town with a square, start driving around it at 4pm and don't stop until you either throw up or the cops stop you. Driving in circles around a square is so awesome it's almost not awesome. Cops can also be awesome, so don't just think because one pulls up and starts to meat out that he is automatically not awesome. Cops have nightsticks, pepper-spray, and handcuffs, which are all awesome things. Some cops didn't graduate high school and are now taking out their pent-up frustration on people who are in a position to not really defend themselves against a cops position of power and authority and that's aweseome. Bullying people is awesome 101. If possible, get a girl pregnant, hell get three pregnant, tell them you're not the father even if paternity tests prove without a doubt that you are. Neglecting responsibility is like the first commandment of being awesome. Having a girl make you take a paternity test...not awesome and a true sign that your chick has been faking awesome for the few hours you've known her.

So, just try and follow a couple of these things and in a few weeks, you'll probably be awesome. If you're not, kill yourself. There's really no reason to live unless you're awesome.

How To Get Rid Of That Dead Hooker

2007-07-03T14:50:00.000-05:00

Just like the questions of, "Just how infinite is space?" "how eternal is heaven?" "if Billy Joel didn't start the fire, who did?" "if you're cross-eyed and dyslexic, can you read just fine?" comes the newest mind-boggling question...how am I going to get rid of this dead hooker?

For years mankind has partaken in lewd acts with ladies of the night (at times men of the night or even she-men of the night). Sometimes in certain situations after said lewd acts are completed these people have to be taken care of. By taken care of, I don't mean you see to their medical needs for the endless supply of S.T.D.'s they have or care for the litter, yes litter, of children they haven't already off'd, I mean taken care of in the sense of, well Tony Soprano.

Ok, but then what? You and your friends have just had the bachelor party, bar mitzvah, or sixth grade graduation of your life. I'm talking Duke Lacrosse style or Michael Irvin and the Cowboys of the 90's, hookers are everywhere, and hookers are DEAD! Well, you clearly can't turn them back over to their pimp Pretty Boy Brown all black and blue from a good choke out. So, you've got to find a good place to dispose of the carcus.

This is the point in most novice hooker murdering deviants that the wheels come off and things start to unravel. Guilt sets in when you are forced to look at a dead hooker on your kitchen floor for hours and hours. How could it not? How do you kill a hooker and not suffer any guilt? Well, that's what I'm here to help you with.

Option 1: The Hooker Heave

The hooker heave is an old favorite of the hooker killers of yesteryear. Prostituting was big back in the gold mining days of the 1840's as males left their wives for years at a time to travel west to find gold and become thousandaires (millionaires wouldn't come around until sometime later). Enter any western saloon and you would see them lined up in droves. Hookers of all shapes and sizes awaiting a good romping from a dirty old panhandler. After a night of poker, moonshine, and sex with a hooker, the only thing to really set it off right was to kill her. So, there you are at The Spittoon (famous club of the day) with a dead hooker on the wooden floor. The greats would load the hooker onto the back of their horse, carry them to the local river, and give them the old 1,2,3 as far as they could toss them into the water. The beloved American game of Midget tossing is actually a direct descendant of the hooker heave. It is rumored that Jesse James once threw a hooker clear across the river and onto another traveling hooker killing her as well. Of course, this is just folklore and there is no real evidence.

Option 2: The Natalie Holloway

We've all been on the Caribbean cruise or beach vacation somewhere tropical and been in the need for some real R&R if you know what I mean. There you are at the local resort pool sipping on your 9th pina coloda of the day and then it hits you...it's time to get a hooker. So, off you go into the 3rd world Mexican town to find you a .50 cent hooker and a juicy taco (sometimes found in the same place if you're lucky). You've got her! You take her back to the room, or whatever dirt alley you can find and the fun begins. Next thing you know she's dead. Hey, it's happened to all of us. Maybe you killed her, maybe you didn't...who cares. But, YOU are solely responsible for getting rid of the body, and you know it. You call your boys Depak and Johan and you take her to the nearest cliff, make a few flesh wounds on her and stuff her pockets full of fresh chum and toss her into the sea. Next thing you know your friends jaws, nemo, and flipper are taking care of the rest and you are on your way back to the hotel for some shuffleboard with the family.

Option 3: Weekend at Bernie's

Let's just say you want a classy broad, you know, one that's been tested this millenium. You hop in the car or plane and head to Vegas, home of the strip (multiple meanings) You rent a car if you flew and you drive out to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, where the Ferrari of hookers reside. You pick out the prettiest hooker in the hooker line-up and off to the private room you go. Things are going great and then all of a sudden you go O.J. on her ass and she's dead. Again, it's happened to all of us. The meat cleaver came out and with one swoop head's are rolling (literally) Oh no, you've just killed a $1000/hour hooker. They aren't going to be too happy with that loss, or the clean up on aisle 3. Good thing you brought that human head reattachment super glue and your make-up kit though. Pick that noggin' back up and glue it back on her torso, mop up the blood, and apply a coating of make-up and everything will be just fine. (make sure you face her head the proper direction, this has cost many a hooker slayer his perfect exit, these hookers are talented, but not exorcist talented) Now then, her heads attached and she's almost looking better than when you first picked her. Put her lifeless arm around your neck and your arm around hers and pick her up. She'll be heavy, but you can do it! Now then, pretend like you are doing a three-legged race with a parapalegic and skeedaddle on out of that room. Take out to the front and sit her on a bar stool, but hold on tight bc we can't have her falling on the floor and that head popping back off now can we? Have a drink with her and make it appear everything is cool. Have three, it'll make what happens next seem more fitting. One, two, ten drinks into the evening with your dead hooker at the bar, go ahead and ask for the check. Pay up, and lay her upper torso on the bar so it looks like she's just passed out from a day/night of drinking and sex. Mosey on out and before they realize what happened your back in Peoria, Il with the wife and kids.

Option 4: The Hooker Cooker

Probably my favorite of the four options. There you are, in a foreign town with 9 of your best friends, it's a bachelor party of course. But, no bachelor party is complete without a good hooker. So, there you all are, purusing the streets. You're not from here so clearly you don't know where to find a good hooker. You finally find one with two working legs and you give her a whistle. She scurries over and knows she's about to get paid. But, what she doesn't know is that she's also about to get cooked. Oops, did we leave that out when we solicited her...I guess we did. So, there you are back at your sweet digs at the Marriot Courtyard. Go ahead and put that "do not disturb" sign on the door, because we don't want any interruptions during this party. The liquor is flowing and things are getting started. Tag team back again check it direct let's begin...it's not only playing from the boombox, it's happening in the room!! One thing leads to another which results in a dead hooker. Oops. Everyone in this room has either a wife, fiance, girlfriend, or another dead hooker at home waiting on them, we can't get burnt over some $5 hooker now can we? Good thing you brought that hooker cooker 3000 with you. Go ahead and open up the suitcase and window and start the easy assembly. In just five minutes the grill will be all set up. Once the grill is set, go ahead and drag the hooker into the bathroom. This part won't be fun, but it's necessary. Get the friend who has the strongest stomach, or best hunting background and bleed that hooker. You'll have to find a way to hang her from the ceiling, so it's best to pick a lightweight hooker if possible, but then again you might sacrifice some meat by doing so. This is what we call the double-edged sword of this situation. You do what works best for you and the group. Maybe you had krystal earlier, and this is just a little desert. Situation dictates what happens here. Anywho, I digress. Once she's good and dry take the meat (hooker) back out to where you've set the grill up. Go ahead and throw her on for 10 minutes, yes only 10 minutes. Just set it, and forget it!! That's actually another infomercial, but the concept is the same. The Hooker Cooker will do all the work for you. It's a rotessiere of prostitution! Go ahead and call room service and have them leave a bottle of chianti at the door. Once the meat looks ready, go ahead, dig in, don't be scared to get your hands dirty that's why you brought the Hooker whipes remember!! Clean-up is as easy as removing the top shelf and rinsing in the shower. Hooker meat is tender and light so there shouldn't be much leftover, and if there is stuff it under the hotel mattress, we all know no one looks there or cleans it. Next morning, you and your friends get up and off you go back to your hometowns and lives, nothing on the mind and a little extra in the stomach. Feeling good!

So, there you have it folks, one of life's greatest mysteries explained with a few simple options that you and your friends can implement in almost any city in the world!

Tune in next week for "Fun things to do with Midgets Part 1 of 45."

Ye Ole Story of Valentine's

2007-02-14T10:29:00.000-06:00

Few of us know the story behind Valentine's Day, but many of us know the feeling of an empty wallet following it, well us guys and a few butch lesbo's anyway. I'm here to tell you the real history behind this one day of true love.

According to history.com:

One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.

According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure. It's no surprise that by the Middle Ages, Valentine was one of the most popular saints in England and France.

Yea, that's all fine and dandy, but it sounds like some Hallmark card propaganda. I'll revise that story, and shoot it to you straight, the way it really happened:

I will not argue that Valentine's Day was probably started in third century Rome. Most things started in Rome, and that's why we should do as the Romans do, unless the Romans are killing their head of state, which they had a habit of doing, and doing so in the United States would result in probable death (unless you are tried by jury of Democrats). But, that's neither here nor there.

In 3rd century Rome there lived a boy named Jim. Yes, I know this is disappointing and you expected his name to Valentine, Augustine, or Lucius, but I assure you, his name was simply, Jim. Jim lived like many Romans of 3rd century Rome...poorly and fearing for his life. You see, 3rd century Rome was much like present day Iraq, full of military anarchy. Life expectancy was low, and STD's were high (usually not an apples to apples relation, but you had to get it while the getting was good) There was constant barbarian invasion, civil war, and rampant hyperinflation, all of which crippled the Roman Empire. Jim knew the outlook for the Roman Empire was bleak and that now was the time to get out.

Leaving should be easy right? I mean the empire was surrounded by vast uninhabited land and a multitude of uncharted water. Ahh, here in lies the problem...a lady. Her name was Shaunte' and she was a direct descendant of Lindsparis SpearsHilohan, Roman goddess of Prostitutes. Jim met Shaunte' during a trip north on the weekend of February 14th to see the famous Roman music festival "Caesar The Day" featuring such bands as The Mars Volta (not the same Mars Volta of today surprisingly, Venus Envy, and The Little Caesars (a band comprised of three Romans with literal short man syndrome). Needless to say, it was one crazy weekend for Jim.

Shortly after arriving at the amphitheatre, Jim saw the most beautiful woman in all the empire. Sitting on a stone chair with just the sun shining on her at just the right angle sat Shaunte'. Jim, not being shy and ready to procreate to hopefully allow his name to live on, approached Shaunte'. Jim used the pick-up lines taught to him by his ancestors:

Jim: I wanna make like Caesar and invade you.
Shaunte': (giggles, smiles)
Jim: You know, a lot of our contemporaries are having sex, and we are in fact in Rome
Shaunte': So...what does that have to do with me and you?
Jim: When in Rome...

60% of the time, it works every time. Just like that Jim had won Shaunte's heart. But, as always, there was more to the story. Shaunte' wasn't like the other ladies in Rome, she was a bit of an anomaly, a working lady. Shaunte' knew the streets of the Roman Empire better than any ruler, and as a result knew many many many of the men. Including one man that had taken a particular fondness in her and her "work" named Val Voline (yes, this is where the quick lube company got its name, I won't go in detail about how or why, but just think...quick...lube).

Val's full name was, you guessed it, Valentine Venus Voline, or 3V as the ladies called him. Val was a bit of stalker and pedophile, even by Roman Empire terms, and had been watching Shaunte' for quite some time. Never one to turn down business, Shaunte' was always very "nice" and "accommodating" to Val and his wishes, as strange as some of those might be. (It is storied that Val would occasionally request his ladies to tie him up nude, and hurl grapes at his genitals. This is where we get The Grapes of Wrath) Val took Shaunte's affection a little too much to heart, and believed the two would live together forever (or the 3 years Shaunte's diseased body had left to live).

As Jim and Shaunte became "acquainted" with one another in one of the festival tents, Val arrived on the grounds and began to ask around if anyone knew Shaunte's whereabouts. Several men said they had just "been" with her, and they didn't know where she had run off to. This of course angered Val, as he believed for some strange reason that Shaunte' was a one man lady of the night. Val went back to his chariot and got out his bow and arrow to hunt and kill the man that was deflowering (really just reaping a new harvest) his lady. Val was trained in the military as his father was a general in the Roman Empire, so Val knew a thing or two about weaponry and the art of war. Val's father, Extosee, was relieved of his duties in the military after it was revealed he had been making a secret potion that if injected would create such levels of sexual arousal, no one in sight could be resisted. In a very homophobic time and in the military, this clearly was grounds for immediate termination. Val had managed to get his hands on some of his fathers potion and as he made his way to Shaunte' and Jim's tent, he began to soak the tips of the arrows in the potion, which he planned to shoot into the heart of Shaunte'.

Val arrived at the tent of passion and tore open the doorway, there Jim and Shaunte' lie on a bed of leaves passionately ravaging one another. Furious Val pulled an arrow soaked in his father, Extosee's, potion and pulled back on the bow and fired an arrow right into the heart of Shaunte'. She dropped. Jim, staring blankly at Val realized that his love was down, and that he must defend her honor. Before he could mount an offensive, he too was short in the heart. Val, now realizing he had shot both with an arrow soaked in "arousal inducing potion" grasped the problem he would face...each of them would be equally highly aroused. Only one thing to do, stab himself in the heart with an arrow soaked in the potion made from his father Extosee. Now, all three injected with the serum and staggering, anger quickly became lust, and a three day menage a trois ensued.

Sunday, February the 14th, when the effects from the serum wore off, and the decisions they had made over the past three days became clear to the three, all looked pretty embarrassed about their actions. Both Jim and Shaunte' turned their anger and frustration on Val, and chastised him for his disregard to their love. In an effort to win back their favor, and the "love" of Shaunte', Val went to the local florist and bought two dozen red roses, to accompany the pot brownies he had already bought at "Caesar the Day." Now with a stomach full of chocolate, and a bouquet full of roses, how could Jim and Shaunte' not forgive Val?

Forgiven, Val moved on, and each and every Feb. 14th he would reminisce about the weekend at "Caesar the Day," and losing the love of his life Shaunte' to Jim. All was not lost for Val, as he would patent his arousal serum and call it "Ecstasy" after his father. Although he wouldn't live to see it, Val's weekend antics would live on through history and be what we now know as, Valentine's Day.

The end.

Barba-ric Post

2007-02-02T13:22:00.000-06:00

My disdain for the horse named Barbaro has been made abundently clear over the course of the last few months. In fact, the posts about Barbaro were some of my more well-written and viewed entries. Well, the good times are over, and sad times are upon us. No, not because Barbaro was put to rest because he was a quitter, but rather because I have nothing more to post about him.

For those of you that might have been in a mild state of coma for the last 6 months, or the rest of you that are generally retarded and can't follow any television programming beyond Blue's Clue's, Barbaro is a horse, and a horse that broke his leg in the Preakniss.

Following this "horrific" injury, the nations heart skipped a beat and the stock exchange shut down to chronicle the story of Barbaro and his recovery. Day in and day out all you heard on ESPN, Fox News, CNN, and the Playboy channel was about this horse (I came to find out the playboy channel was referring to another horse, who ironically was not even a horse, but a human) They spoke of Barbaro as if he was Bill from the 10th floor. You know Bill, he tore his ACL in the company basketball game and hasn't been back to work since. He's on the long road to recovery, and Bill's coworkers, friends, and family visit him often and tell stories about what's been going on in their lives and on the outside world. Barbaro received similar treatment from fans, kids, and even horses.

It took me some time to decide which was worse, the stories about kids and fans writing Barbaro letters, or the doctors and media talking about how Barbaro was talking to neighboring horses and being very responsive. I don't want to seem overly cynical, but it's a horse...it can't read. It can't even be read to. When you sit beside his stall and read him his cards, he isn't retarded or injured, you are. Chin check time because there's probably some drool leaking out of your mouth, and you probably have an enlarged forehead. I know...there I go again being cynical.

If this was "Beauty" from the farm in Kruger, Ms it would have been shot immediately after the bone went pop. You would have broken the news to little Janey and Timmy and told them Beauty had gone to sleep and would be able to run forever in heaven with the other horses. But no, this was Barbaro, king ding a ling (literally probably). We can't just take him out back and shoot him like any other crippled mammal, we have to coddle him and cover him like he was breaking news everyday.

You realize that England, France, Japan, and even Mexico probably laughed their asses off when they turned on their Fox news affiliate and saw the American's covering Barbaro three months after his injury. We became the laughing stock for covering live stock.

Well, fortunately for our "great" nation that all ended last weekend when Barbaro was euthanized. Euthanized is the fancy word for 9mm to the temple. Blunt like James, and beautiful doing it.

So, Barbaro...here is my eulogy to you, peace. Yep, short and sweet, like your meaningless 3 year life. Sure you won the Kentucky Derby, but so have hundreds of other horses. You were nothing special. They won't even make glue out of your hooves. You're nothing and won't be rememebered by anyone. The cards you received...burned. The horses that "talked" to you from their stall...all banging some other stallion. The media who covered you...on to Britney's vagina. Old news Barbaro, old news.

Good riddance.

Partly Sunny vs. Partly Cloudy

2007-01-19T14:19:00.000-06:00

One of the universe's age old questions, besides why are women crazy and why are midgets so entertaining, is what is the difference between partly sunny and partly cloudy. Let's delve into the subject, shall we? (not one of the universe's age old questions, really more rhetorical in fact)

Each night as I unwind and ready myself for the world of slumber, I sit back and watch Tony Mastro of WJTV become Tony Maestro. The way he moves his hand across the green screen darting from Corinth to D'Iberville, from Meridian to Vicksburg, following cold fronts, high pressure, low pressure, it's almost as if he has a tv monitor right in front of him just off screen with an actual map on it. Tony Maestro, yea...that has a nice ring to it. Point is, this man controls weather, he knows it like a hooker knows chlamydia. But, does he know the difference between partly sunny and partly cloudy?

Is this question relative to the person who answers? To me, sixteen clouds might make a day partly cloudy, where as to Keith Studdard, a single circumnimbus could spell the end of the world and immediately call for a "severe thunderstorm warning." Einstein might be my source for more on relativity, but unfortunately, much like my library card...he expired.

What does the forecast of partly sunny or partly cloudy do the human psyche? Would a partly sunny forecast allow you to feel better about your day, and a cloudy the opposite? If so, you would think there would need to be a defined difference in the two. Give me a total cloud count. But then, are you, the citizen and messagee required to count said clouds? How expansive is the area of the sky that dictates whether your area is partly sunny/cloudy? You see the dileema here.

There is no conclusive research being done to my knowledge that leads me to believe we will ever have answer to this question. Much like Kennedy's assination, the location of Hoffa's body, and Tom Cruise's sexuality, it will remain a mystery beyond our lifetime. It is my hope, that with continued prodding and probing (not a joke about a human anus) someone will have to give us the answers.

As I gaze out the window now, I count well over 200 clouds. I'm an optimist and realize the sky is huge. I call this partly sunny. But, someone somewhere is looking out his or her window, and they are calling it partly cloudy.

I Vow...

2007-01-10T10:56:00.000-06:00

To return to this blog. Your patience has not gone unnoticed. I've been in a "career transition," which has led to some significant "off-time."

Don't worry, I still live at home and will continue to do so until I obtain the exclusive lead acting rights to Failure to Launch 2.

"I'll be back!" (c) The Terminator aka Arnold Schwarznegger aka The Governor of California

Decisions

2006-12-04T08:56:00.000-06:00

That is a picture of the scales of justice. After trials, when the jury still hasn't reached a decision and everyone is limbo the judge will sometimes ask the accused and the plaintiff to each sit on one side of the scale of justice. The side that dangles lower wins and the person(s) on the other side are executed in a public square. It seems crude, but it's worked in this country for centuries.

Unfortunately for most of, we don't have access to the scales of justice, at least not a scale big enough to way some of our decisions we are forced to make in life. And even if we did, would we really want to publically execute the losing option? And just how do you execute the choice of pizza for supper after opting to go with Abner's? See, predicaments.

I've always been told that when you are young, there's really no wrong choice. One may be more right than the other, but we learn and grow from our mistakes...allegedly. Now, those of us that don't have to wear a permanent bib and who's foreheads aren't enlarged know this isn't true. One choice is usually right, and one is wrong. But, how do you decide? What is weighted higher...happiness or money, quick career advancement or good comfortable environment, peanut butter or jelly? Choices.

I am faced with several choices right now in my life that deal with all of these, especially whether I want peanut butter or jelly. The point is, it's hard to choose things in life that when weighed out on the scales of justice would come up almost equal. Some of have their good, and some have their bad. How do you decide? It's your life, so do you really want to let it ride on "eeny meeny miney mo" or a coin flip? I guess it all depends.

So, y'all say a little prayer for baby Nathan that he makes the right decisions.

Horsing Around

2006-12-01T10:28:00.000-06:00

You all remember my heart warming story about the horse named Barbaro from just a few months ago. For those of you that don't know the emotionally gripping story, I'll break it down for you. Barbaro was your Kentucky Derby winner. He dominated the field, and buried his competition. (Not literally, because just as Mr. Jinx, he lacked the opposable thumbs to actually bury someone) He proved to the world that he was a horse to be feared and would won day live in infamy. Some thought Barbaro was the answer to the U.S. struggles in Iraq. Some thought he could cure cancer. Barbaro was hung like a horse, and not just because he was one either. But then, Barbaro's world came crashing down like his morning oats.

As Barbaro looked to defend his Kentucky Derby victory and saught to obtain the allusive "Triple Crown," he shattered his off-hind (horse talk) leg during the Preakness. The injury was horrific, and America gasped. Had a hero fallen? What would happen to the war on terror, the economy, the (gulp) world? No one had answers, heads were exploding. As NATO scrambled forces and Jesus thought about whether now was the appropriate time to return or not, one man came to the forefront to save man and horsekind...

His name is Dean Richardson and he saved the universe. Not only did he save Barbaro and the universe, but he has also been nominated as one of the candidates for Sports Illustrated's Sportsmen of the Year. Richardson and his crack staff of doctors operated on Barbaro shortly after the horrific injury. With little time to save the horses life and get the Earth back within is normal rotation, Richardson inserted 27 screws and a 16-hole titanium plate in the leg to stabilize the bones and the U.S. stock market. Dean Richardson, hero? Yes, I think so, and so did America. Day after day and week after week people sent letters to not only Richardson, who could read, but to Barbaro, who could read and write!! As Barbaro sat suspended in a sling that dipped him in water so he could keep his legs loose and his nuts withered, he read letter after letter from boys, girls, and animals alike. This new stardom was nothing new to Barbaro, after all he had parted the Red Sea and rolled the boulder away from Christ's tomb, but that's not to say it didn't affect him.

When word broke that the neighboring female horses were talking to Barbaro without much reaction from him America gasped and wondered whether or not Barbaro would ever procreate again. It didn't take long for each of us to rest assured. After a "session" with Richardson, Barbaro was back to his old self. He began spitting mad game to the females...literally!! Soon after spitting game he was seen mounting one horse after another, ironically in a position still called "doggystyle." Some human female fans such as Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan were even mounted. It's rumored, but not confirmed that K-Fed even showed some infedility to his wife with Barbaro and was inspired to write his hit single "Papazao," after one such encounter.

To sum it up, thank you Dean Richardson. Whether you know it or not, you gave humanity at least another few years. Without you, global warming would definitely have overtaken us by now. For you see Dick, you don't mind if I call you Dick do you Dean? Barbaro's manure has radioactive chemicals that emit a cloud of protection keeping out the suns harmful rays, thereby cooling Earth. It's said that when Barbaro was constipated for a week, the Earth warmed, and the core of Earth became unstable creating an earthquake off the coast of Thailand, which eventually led to the deadly tsunami. Clearly Barbaro is the shit, or his shit is the shit, however you want to look at it.

Dean Richardson, Dick...thank you from all of us.

The Weekend Rap-Up

2006-12-01T07:24:00.000-06:00

Since I'm such a mad balla (notice how I didn't end it with an "er") I'm going to begin a new little GoodBetterBest series entitled "The Weekend Rap-Up" (again notice the play on spelling in the word rap) That's real wit kids.

In the Weekend Rap-Up you can pretty much guess what'll I be doing...wrapping up the weekend for you in rap format. I've been known to put together some "hot 16's" in my time.

I'll give you a brief example as I recap Monday thru Friday for you:

Uhhh, I said uhhh turn my headphones up...here we go
Uhhh, turn em' up I can't hear shit out my left headphone
Let's get it
It's like this
Nahh for real the left headphone dog, turn that shit up
check it
uhhhhhhhhhhhh
too much trebile in this left headphone, seriously turn it them shits up

Now you didn't think I was going to give a real preview and spoil the initial showing did you? I'm a marketing major, I'm way too smart for that. Tune in Sunday night for the showcase.

Stuperstition

2006-11-28T08:31:00.000-06:00

su‧per‧sti‧tion
–noun 1. a belief or notion, not based on reason or knowledge, in or of the ominous significance of a particular thing, circumstance, occurrence, proceeding, or the like.
2. a system or collection of such beliefs.
3. a custom or act based on such a belief.
4. irrational fear of what is unknown or mysterious, esp. in connection with religion.
5. any blindly accepted belief or notion.

By its very definition it's safe to say that superstition is unreasonable and falliable, but does that stop any of us from believing in it? No. Take me for example, in the 2001 Ole Miss vs. Alabama game at Vaught-Hemingway stadium, I spent the better part of the 3rd quarter and the entire 4th quarter looking straight down at a wet spot in the stands. Why? Because when I originally did it on an Alabama third down, we held and got the ball back. Clearly this position was working for me. Of course I had to stick with it, and I did for nearly an hour straight. Sure I had one of the all-time worst cricks in the neck and didn't see a single 4th quarter minute of the Rebels first victory over the Tide in nearly two decades, but that's not important. What's important is that my looking down at a wet spot won the Rebels the game.

It's things like this that make being superstitious seem justifiable. I can think of numerous occassions where I've looked down, up, held the remote in a certain way, stood on one foot, or sacrificed a goat at halftime. Can't you? And you did all for the betterment of your team. For the most part people accept your superstitions. You might get asked the initial, "Why in the world is there bull scrotum in your mouth and your face covered in cream cheese?" But once you explain that you are doing it for the guys on the field/court/diamond, the acceptance is almost immediate. It's not just fellow fans and peers that accept this behavior, even your opponents fans will admire you for doing whatever it takes to get your beloved team over the hump.

Take for instance my acceptance of a usually hated and despised LSU fan two Saturday's ago in Tiger Stadium. It was 20-7 good guys (Rebels) late in the 3rd quarter. He had been trying everything to give his Tigers a spark. Voodoo, mixing drinks to wash away the pain, kissing his sister/girlfriend/tranny, bowing (which I've heard is a traditional LSU move), etc... Nothing was working.

Here he is bowing:

Then it hit him like a ton of meth...I'll take my pants off. He didn't need to explain himself to me, a huge superstition believer as mentioned earlier, but he went ahead. "Shit, it worked against Florida." As the da in Florida rolled off his pierced tongue, he unzipped his jeans and lowered them to the ground. It was then I knew we were fucked. Not just because I was staring directly into his anoooooooooose (Borat), but because he had found the answer to the Tiger's troubles. No more than seconds after his lycra tights were hit by the cool Baton Rouge air, things began to unravel for the Rebels. Ole Miss head coach Ed Orgeron, a huge believer in voodoo and superstition stemming from his Louisiana roots, was also immediately effected. It was no coincidence that right after Joe Dirt's snakehead belt buckle was unfanged and his jeans hit the concrete that Orgeron opted to bench Brent Schaeffer and put in walk-on Seth Adams. Coincidence...I think not. Orgeron had been overwhelmed by one mans belief that ditching his britches would lead not only to getting in his sisters pants, but a Tiger victory and preservation of their BCS hopes.

Those of us close to the Rebels, Tigers, or SEC football know the rest of the story as far as the game is concerned. The Tigers would go on to score 16 unanswered points and take an overtime victory from the Rebels. As the Rebel section sat bewildered and sickened by yet another close victory or choke, I couldn't help but feel responsible. Surely there was more I could have done. I could have lowered my pants, exposed myself, or even killed a child. I hadn't evoked the certain something that would lead my team to victory. Instead, I idly sat and watched another man become the single greatest patagonia legging advertisement this world will ever know. Should I have instigated something with the Tiger faithful and forcefully put this mans pants back on? If I had been able to lift his pants up, would I have even been able to refasten the fangs of the snakehead back into the belt, thereby securing his pants? I don't know the answers because folks, I was too weak to try. I'm to blame.

You see, desperate times call for desperate measures. As cliche' as that phrase is, it is oh so true. This man didn't care about the frigid night air causing embarrassingly obvious shrinkage that would clearly be visible while wearing only tights. He didn't give a Borat's bag of poop. He did it to keep hope alive for his team, and it worked.

So, let this post be a wake-up call to all of you fans out there. If your team is down, or looks as if it's about to go down don't be afraid to let your pants down. There's a chance that it might not be the appropriate avenue of superstition and you will look like a fool, or even be arrested, but is that a chance your willing to take to win the game? It's a chance I won't pass up again.

I leave you with this to further prod you along towards finding that little bit of luck that is out there for all of us to grasp:

After his team had just nailed the game-winning field goal in overtime, Joe Dirt sat, and recollected about all the great accomplishments he had achieved in his life. All of them paled in comparison to that brisk November night when against the Rebels of Ole Miss, he took down his pants to help the Tiger's to victory.

Hear me Rory

2006-11-21T07:15:00.000-06:00

He might not look it, but Rory Johnson is a beast. He's not the Mr. Academia he appears in the above picture or in his high school report cards (joke). He's a man on a mission this Saturday and is refreshing to know we have at least one player with some real vigor and desire to win instilled within them.

Johnson was originally set to attend Mississippi State following his "graduation" from "high school" shortly after he turned "18," but failed to qualify "academically" and was "forced" to attend "junior college." He believes that many gave up on him at Mississippi State and didn't continue to pursue him while he was enrolled at junior college, therefore payback is in order.

"I've got a whole lot of built-up aggression in me," Johnson said. "I really just want to go out there and make some hits and hit hard. ... That's all I've been thinking about. I had a dream about some hits last night. It was hard hits, I'm talking about some takeout shots."

I'm ready to see this. It's not like he really needs any added motivation to play hard and make tackles, so we are in for a treat.

Irony

2006-11-17T11:21:00.000-06:00

When irony strikes...

Schembechler collapses, dies at 77

DETROIT -- Former Michigan football coach Bo Schembechler has died, television station WXYZ is reporting.

He was 77.

Schembechler collapsed Friday during the taping of a television show and was taken by ambulance to a hospital.

He became ill at WXYZ-TV in Southfield the day before the Ohio State-Michigan showdown, the station said. Schembechler also was hospitalized Oct. 20 after falling ill at the same studio.

Earlier Friday, Southfield police spokesman John Harris could not provide specific medical information, but said: "I don't think it was good."

Police were sent to the station about 9:25 a.m. with the city's fire department, and they escorted an ambulance to Providence Hospital, Harris said.

Messages were left with the university, Schembechler's office and the hospital.

Schembechler met with the media this week to discuss Saturday's game between the No. 1 Buckeyes and No. 2 Wolverines. He also talked about the device that was implanted to regulate his heartbeat after he was hospitalized last month. He said the device covered about half his chest, and doctors still were adjusting it.

Schembechler said he did not plan to attend the game in Columbus, Ohio, and he doesn't go to road games anymore.

Schembechler had a heart attack on the eve of his first Rose Bowl in 1970 and another one in 1987. He has had two quadruple heart bypass operations.

The seven-time Big Ten coach of the year had a 194-48-5 record at Michigan from 1969-89. His record in 26 years of coaching was 234-64-8.

This band, the Dead Schembechler's was set to have a big weekend playing music, looks like their name has meaning now and it'll be interesting to see how they respond.

He was a great head football coach, hard-nosed, and a discplitarian. Very much of the Lombardi, Bear Bryant mold...he'll be missed.

Red Stick = Baton Rouge

2006-11-17T07:56:00.000-06:00

That gentleman is holding what is known as a red stick. This weekend I will be travleing amongst other Rebel faithful to the town that means Red Stick. It actually reads Stick Red, but as we know the french do everything backwards so we in America are forced to invert the phrase so that it makes sense. This is similar to the French's bathing techniques, which don't exist.

Baton Rouge and LSU, ahhh. A combination created in the underbelly of Satan's hell. It's only fitting that Tiger Stadium is commonly referred to as Death Valley. It hasn't been too kind to the Rebels over the course of history as far as wins and losses are concerned, but lately the Rebels have enjoyed some success there. At one point I was even referring to it as The University of Mississippi-Baton Rouge. That quickly changed. But, the last two trips down the Rebels have played in very close games and chances to win against Tiger teams that were definitely more talented and deeper than the Rebs.

Other opportunities present themselves in Baton Rouge beyond just football of course. These opportunities include eating at Mike Anderson's, binge drinking and watching football, trying to find midgets to soak in cologne and hang from your rearview mirror and make into human air-freshners. Ahh, Baton Rouge. All in all it should be a very fun trip regardless of score and outcome. I say this now, but I'll be the guy you see on local news in a profanity laden tirade against local Batonees, Tigeraes, and Governor Kathleen Blanco. Why is it that even when I know we are outmatched, out-manned, and equal witted I still get mad about losing? Why can't I just accept that we aren't as good as some of these teams we play at this point? Because folks, I'm a Rebel. We are naive, jaded, and biased by nature and we bleed blue and red...like most humans, but ours is realllllllllly blue and red.

After Baton Rouge sticks its red stick in my red ass, I'll leave for New Orleans. I will be attending the Saints/Bengals game amongst friends and family. The family being my cousin Trent Yates and the friends being Brent Fletcherand John Cofer. An excellent group of citizens, and hopefully a group that won't be embarrassed when I break out my Reggie Bushjersey, face paint, and gold and black wig because boys...it's coming out. I'm also contemplating a poster that reads, "The Bengals are just a bunch of pussies." Thoughts?

I can't wait, and I will a full recap when I get back. You kids enjoy your weekend.

B.S. with a C in the middle

2006-11-15T10:09:00.000-06:00

I'm not an avid supporter or opponent of the BCS, actually I'm relatively in the middle on it. I think it's a definite improvement from where we were just 10-15 years ago. In BCS b.c. as it will be commonly referred at GoodBetterBest you were forced to watch certain teams from certain conferences battle it out year in and year out in the big bowls. I like the random match-ups of teams you don't normally get to see play one another now that it's BCS a.d. What I don't like?

These rankings:

Harris Coaches CPU
Rank Team BCS Avg Rank Votes % Rank Votes % Avg % Prev
1 Ohio State 0.9765 1 2800 1.000 1 1574 0.999 3 0.930 1
2 Michigan 0.9735 2 2688 0.960 2 1513 0.961 1 1.000 2
3 Southern California 0.8699 3 2458 0.878 4 1373 0.872 4 0.860 7
4 Florida 0.8495 4 2441 0.872 3 1381 0.877 6 0.800 4
5 Notre Dame 0.8193 5 2267 0.810 5 1273 0.808 5 0.840 9
6 Rutgers 0.7866 7 2024 0.723 8 1082 0.687 2 0.950 13
7 Arkansas 0.7567 6 2234 0.798 6 1248 0.792 9 0.680 11
8 West Virginia 0.6575 8 1864 0.666 7 1113 0.707 11 0.600 10
9 Wisconsin 0.6428 11 1678 0.599 10 928 0.589 8 0.740 15
10 Louisville 0.6408 10 1711 0.611 12 884 0.561 7 0.750 3
11 Louisiana State 0.6028 9 1846 0.659 9 1054 0.669 13 0.480 12
12 Boise State 0.5541 13 1471 0.525 13 830 0.527 10 0.610 14
13 Texas 0.5169 12 1630 0.582 11 927 0.589 16 0.380 5
14 Auburn 0.4678 15 1304 0.466 15 721 0.458 14 0.480 6
15 California 0.4391 17 1033 0.369 17 580 0.368 12 0.580 8
16 Wake Forest 0.4362 14 1341 0.479 14 724 0.460 17 0.370 19
17 Oklahoma 0.3868 16 1257 0.449 16 711 0.451 19 0.260 17
18 Georgia Tech 0.3612 18 936 0.334 18 566 0.359 15 0.390 18
19 Maryland 0.2196 21 567 0.203 21 325 0.206 20 0.250 23
20 Boston College 0.2194 20 600 0.214 20 384 0.244 21 0.200 22
21 Virginia Tech 0.2048 19 694 0.248 19 420 0.267 23 0.100 21
22 Tennessee 0.189 22 397 0.142 23 213 0.135 18 0.290 16
23 Nebraska 0.1021 23 396 0.141 22 228 0.145 0 0.020 -
24 Oregon 0.0873 25 129 0.046 26 72 0.046 22 0.170 20
25 Brigham Young 0.0632 24 325 0.116 24 116 0.074 0 0.000 -

It's hard for me to say this as a diehard SEC fan and apologist, but Florida being ranked #4 is embarrassing and ludicrous (notice the spelling, so I'm not talking about the rapper). What have the Gators done to deserve this ranking? A close win over a Georgia team that at the time was coming off nail biters against Colorado, Ole Miss, and Miss. St.? A close victory over Vanderbilt and S. Carolina? Sorry, doesn't do much for me. I know you play in the SEC and the SEC is sooooooo much more difficult than all the other conferences, but you don't get a pass to be the #4 team in this big mess.

Who should be crying, bitching and moaning like all these other coaches is the biggest Nutt of them all, Houston Nutt. Get it...play on words. Wit wit wit. The Hogs are 9-1 and 6-0 in that vaunted SEC that we all talk about. Their lone loss? A opening weekend loss to the team that currently sits in the #3 BCS slot, the University of Southern Cal. I don't consider that a bad loss regardless of score. Anything can happen opening weekend as teams try to find themselves and their identity. Arkansas is a new team since that opening week loss. They figured out where they have talent...running back. Darren McFadden might be the most underrated, least talked about, great player in the nation. If LSU, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, Florida, or Auburn had a runningback blowing away the field in the SEC in rushing yards, you'd hear about him all the time. He'd probably even be a Heisman front-runner. McFadden is lucky to get pub in his hometown paper. I don't get that. He threw a touchdown against Tennessee last week, and he didn't do it on a reverse or gimmick play...he lined up at quarterback.

The point I'm making here is that the system, as much of an improvement as it may be, is extremely flawed still. Arkansas has been dominating good teams all year and Florida has been barely beating everyone, yet Florida sits firmly at the #4 spot. Why? Preseason rankings. The Hogs weren't ranked to start the year, the Gators were anywhere from 3-5. Arkansas didn't crack the top 25 until they were 5-1. They've had to climb from receiving votes, to where they are now. You only have so many games to make it to the top and overcome your deficit, and unfortunately for Arkansas and barring some help, it looks as if they are going to run out of time.

How do we rectify this? Well, the easy answer...playoff system. But, even before hell freezes over or Ole Miss beats LSU, we have to fix what we've got. There has to be a way for a team to not be penalized for writers and idiot coaches underestimating and miscalculating how good they are before the season even starts. Arkansas isn't the only team suffering from gross miscalculations. Look at Rutgers. 9-0 and undefeated in their conference and they just defeated a team that was thought to be a frontrunner for the national championship in Louisville. But, unless USC, Florida, Notre Dame, and even probably Arkansas lose...they won't stand a chance to make it to the championship game. Even with all those teams losing, we could potentially wind up with a Michigan/Ohio St. rematch over a 1 loss Rutgers team getting in. Flawed.

I don't know how to rectify it, but I'm open to hearing your suggestions. I can sit back and actually enjoy it since I don't have a team in the mess, but I know that if Ole Miss or Florida State was in the position Arkansas or Rutgers are this year...I'd be rioting. And for all you Ole Miss and State fans that read this blog, you know it's exactly the situation we would be in if we had 1 loss.

Candlestick in the Wind

2006-11-09T09:38:00.000-06:00

A place that I grew up knowing almost as well as Vaught-Hemingway in Oxford, might be seeing its last days, as the San Francisco 49ers are looking to potentially move things to the suburbs in Santa Clara.

SAN FRANCISCO -- The San Francisco 49ers ended negotiations with the city about building a new stadium Wednesday and have turned their focus to the Bay Area suburb of Santa Clara.

Owner John York notified Mayor Gavin Newsom of the team's decision earlier Wednesday, the mayor's spokesman, Peter Ragone, told The Associated Press.

Team spokesman Aaron Salkin declined to comment but the 49ers issued a news release late Wednesday night announcing the decision.

According to the release, the team decided after studying the area around Candlestick Park for the past year that the site needed too many infrastructure and public transit improvements, as well as one of the largest parking garages in the world.

The team said the cost of the infrastructure improvements could have exceeded the cost of the proposed stadium, which was estimated to cost between $600 million and $800 million.

Also, the team said it was unlikely it could achieve its goal of opening the new stadium in time for the 2012 season.

Now the team is seeking to build a new stadium in Santa Clara, near the Great America amusement park and the Santa Clara Convention Center. Santa Clara is located in San Francisco's South Bay area near San Jose.

"We're excited to work with Santa Clara officials to discuss this project," owner John York said in a statement. "Based on our initial analysis, Santa Clara has strong potential to deliver the game day experience our fans deserve."

York said the team would not change its name under any circumstances.

"Nothing will persuade us to change the name of the San Francisco 49ers, one of the most storied brands in the world of sports," he said.

The 49ers headquarters and training facility are currently based in Santa Clara, located about 30 miles south of San Francisco.

"We have been looking to expand our entertainment options in the Great America-Convention Center area for years, and this stadium can be a great addition," Santa Clara Mayor Patricia Mahan said in a statement issued by the team. "The 49ers have been clear that their goal is to put together a project that has no impact on the City's general fund and no increase in taxes, and we are ready to give this project our full attention."

The 49ers and San Francisco officials had been talking over the last few months about building a privately financed stadium at Candlestick Point that was going to be part of the city's bid for the 2016 summer Olympics.

Ragone did not know how the 49ers' decision would impact the Olympic bid. San Francisco, Los Angeles and Chicago are the three cities competing to be the U.S. Olympic Committee's choice to bid on the 2016 games.

The team's current lease at Candlestick runs through the 2008 season and the team holds three five-year options that could extend it through 2023.

The current stadium at Candlestick is one of the most run-down in the league, leading to the team's desire to seek a new stadium with revenue-generating suites and luxury boxes. The plan to build a stadium also included public housing, retail and office space.

The city was not going to contribute any money to the stadium but was willing to possibly help with some of the infrastructure costs.

York assured San Francisco officials that he was only negotiating with the city, but Ragone said the team had talked in recent weeks to Santa Clara officials about the move.

Ragone added that York told the mayor he would consider moving the team somewhere else in California. Los Angeles and Anaheim also are seeking an NFL team.

The mayors of the two cities met last month with new commissioner Roger Goodell to offer their competing plans to lure a team back to southern California.

Los Angeles city leaders want to build a new stadium within the walls of the historic Memorial Coliseum, featuring 200 luxury boxes and 15,000 club seats at a cost of $800 million.

Goodell also met with Anaheim Mayor Curt Pringle about his city's plans to sell the NFL 53 acres at the below-market price of $50 million to build a new stadium adjacent to Angel Stadium.

The Los Angeles area hasn't had an NFL team since after the 1994 season when the Raiders returned to Oakland and the Anaheim-based Rams moved to St. Louis.

Candlestick has been called about a million names to this point, 3-Comm, Monster, The Stick, etc... Many great memories for people have occured within the confines of that stadium.

That's Dwight Clark. He made this catch against the hated Dallas Cowboys to win the NFC Championship game and send the 49ers on to the SuperBowl.

I don't remember this catch because my brain was not fully developed yet as I was just a youngster.

I do remember this catch:

That's Terrell Owens, you might know him as "T.O." This catch sent the 49ers to the NFC Championship game. After this catch T.O. cried like a wittle bitty baby. It let people know he was human. Years later he would do sit-ups while conductin an interview in his driveway. This would let people know he was a human asshole. It let me know why I liked him. He doesn't care.

Point is, Candlestick will be missed. I watched many a game on tv from that stadium, and cheered for a 49er team that I loved for over a decade. But, I can't be too sad, because this isn't the same team playing in that stadium. These are the new Alex Smith and Frank Gore led 'Niners. They are comparable to Montana, Rice, and Roger Craig...right?

Genesis...A Revelation

2006-11-08T08:09:00.000-06:00

The greatest rock band in the history of the world (not called Tenacious D) is set to reunite.

LONDON, England (AP) -- Members of the rock group Genesis are reuniting for their first tour in 15 years.

Phil Collins, 55, Mike Rutherford, 56, and Tony Banks, 56, said they planned to kick off a 20-date stadium tour of Europe next June.

The "Turn it on Again" tour -- named for one of their hits -- begins in Helsinki, Finland, on June 11 and ends with a free concert in front of the Colosseum in Rome on July 14.

A series of U.S. dates will follow, the band said.

Genesis was founded in the mid-1960s by Rutherford, Banks, Anthony Phillips and singer Peter Gabriel, who left the group in 1975 and was replaced on vocals by drummer Collins.

They became one of the biggest bands of the 1970s and 80s, with hits such as "Follow You, Follow Me," "That's All" and "Invisible Touch."

The band last toured in 1991, and Collins quit the band to go solo in 1996.

Announcing the tour Tuesday, Collins -- whose solo career has netted him a fortune -- said the reunion was not motivated by money.

"I think we are all loaded enough not to worry about where the next million or two is coming from," he said.

"I just felt now was the right time to have a go at it."

Banks said the tour would give fans the chance to hear a side of the band that went beyond their hits.

"Genesis has another side to it, a more complex area of music," he said.

"One side gets slightly more attention than the other. We are trying to reacquaint people. Genesis is not particularly a group mentioned very much these days and we want to remind people we did do a lot of things."

This would be the greatest news since we found Britney and K-Fed were getting divorced. So, by that you can tell we haven't good news in quite some time. Unfortunately with every bit of good news comes some bad. Peter Gabriel will not be touring with the group as it conflicts with his schedule of making weird videos like "Sledgehammer." People love Gabriel, but I was always a Collins man myself.

K-Fed Up

2006-11-08T07:33:00.000-06:00

In the words of Stephen from Laguna Beach this couple is dunzo. Britney Spears-Federline and Kevin K-Fed Federspears are divorcing after just over two years of blissful marriage.

The lovely couple, and model of American marriage have two children who are undoubtedly cursed for life. They created one-year-old Sean Preston and James Jayden who is the latest little apple of their eyes. No word yet on if either of these kids will take after their father and be dancers in mommy's next music video, but stay tuned to GoodBetter as more information on that becomes readily available.

Federline is rumored to have uttered a few words as a last ditch effort to keep his wife saying, "Britney, I'm a slave for u!!! Oooo baby baby you know your love is toxic. I mean, what'd you expect getting involved with me, you knew you were playing with fire, album in stores playa!! I know I said I wouldn't do that anymore, but...Oops...I did it again." These words didn't resonate with Spears who simply told Federline to kiss her papazao.

Stay tuned for more news and some video I plan to provide that shows the divorce papers, as well as Spears enjoying her first night out after filing said papers. No word yet on whether or not K-Feddy used them to roll a phattie.

Cardinal Red = Blood Red

2006-10-30T08:42:00.000-06:00

That's right St. Louis fans, there's reason to celebrate. Not only did you defeat the Detroit Tigers to win your first World Series in 20+ years, you've just won and even more prestigious award. You St. Louis, are AMERICA'S MOST DANGEROUS CITY!!!

That's right Cardinal, Ram, Blues, and Nelly fans alike...you've just toppled Detroit, not once, but TWICE in the same week. Detroit, long called East or West Vietnam, (depending on which way you choose to circle the globe) has been a staple in any statistical information pertaining to crime and danger for the last 30 years. The city of Detroit has long been known as the "Motor City" for it's ties to the production of automobiles, or as "Motown" for its affiliation with Quincy Jones' record label. Some naysayers believe the true meaning stems from the "Motor-boat City,"in reference to Detroitees love for burying their faces deep within the cleavage of their loved ones and becoming as Vince Vaughn would say, "motorboatin' sons-a-bitches." After receiving the illustrious "most dangerous" award over the past few years, some started calling Detroit the "murder city," a distinction they can no longer claim.

St. Louis' close-proximity to the Mississippi River makes it the perfect city to take over the title of "most dangerous," as the river is very fertile ground for dumping bodies. Long known as the "Gateway to the Midwest" it is thought that the arch was originally built as a portal for Satan to emerge through, furthering their chances to one day obtain this "most dangerous" distinction. Some believe this "portal" gives St. Louis an unfair advantage. One such opponent is Compton, Ca. resident Tyrell Washington Jackson Lincoln Cleveland Kennedy Jefferson Monroe Adams IV saying, "It's just not right...we've got L.A., San Diego, and Tijuana funneling major drugs into our neighborhood causing all sorts of crime, they've got a portal for Satan. Which do you think is going to win? It's some bull$hit."

Long time resident and former St. Louis Cardinal Mark McGwire decided to break a long quiet period and speak out on the issue saying, "This crime thing has been a problem since I got here from Oakland. Honestly, I think crime follows me. Oakland has been a mainstay in the top 10 for quite some time as well. Look, it's honestly time I got this off my chest...yes, I did steroids. I had to for Christ's sake. As if it's not hard enough to keep up in the record books with Mantle, Gehrig, Mays, and Ruth, now I have to worry about getting mugged on the way back to my car? Of course I'm going to stick a needle in my ass, it's better than the alternative I'd get in my ass from not bulking up."

Some St. Louis residents were pleased that their city had achieved the highest award for a shitty city. Nelly, a local rapper who is hoping to one day achieve mainstream success said, "Ye' pimp'n, I made that #1 joint a few years back pretty much as an ode to the city taken the title this year. I guess I was on that Nastrodamus shit playa, you feel me? This being the most dangerous might finally solidify me as a street rapper and not some pop punk Vanilla Ice everyone thinks I am. I need this shawty, I mean shit...I made that joint with Kelly Rowland from Destiny's Child, you think I can recover from that without us showing we can cut some motherfu#^ers? I'd kill someone if I knew how to do it!"

Mike Martz, former St. Louis Ram head coach and current Detroit Lion offensive coordinator, is a man who knows both cities very well. "When I was calling plays in St. Louis, people criticized me for always going deep and never pounding the ball up the gut. Look, that's just the way we had to do it there. If you pile everyone together at the line scrimmage that just creates an easy target for the easily 20,000 snipers in the crowd. Move the guys around and let them run, we might only lose a string a game. I can live with that, if I live at all."

So, here's to you St. Louis. You are the city that gives guys like Lawrence Phillips and Leonard Little their 9th chances. Sure they've killed more hookers than Michael Irvin on a weekend and dealt more marijuana than Nate Newton could fit in his mini-van, but would you be the nations "most dangerous" state without people of their character? I think not.

I Was A Trojan, But Didn't Use One...

2006-10-26T13:48:00.000-05:00

And this is my confession. I am Matt Leinart, and I'm a daddy.

Leinart and ~~girl he knocked up~~ former girlfriend Brynn Cameron gave birth to a new baby boy, Cole, Tuesday night. This is just one of many illegitimate children Leinart will have in his career in beautiful Arizona. Ovaries around the world are lining up to fuse with Leinart's magic sperm. I mean, if you were an ovary would you not want some of that action? Think of the masterpiece you could create. Tall, athletic, good looking, charming, big city saavy...everything you need to be a multi-millionaire.

Brynn played basketball for the University of Southern California, and believe it or not she didn't look like Rebecca Lobo. She's actually hot!!

Baby Mama:

**Note - She's not on the left and she's wearing #11. I know I know, it's hard to tell. **

Cole Leinart, who could probably already start for the Arizona Cardinals, didn't have anything to say at press time.

Kurt Warner, former Cardinal quarterback turned fumbling baffoon, wished Leinart all the best. "My ~~spikey-haired husband~~ wife and I are just so happy for Matt and Brynn. You know, we are very religious folk so a child born out of wedlock is usually something we frown upon, but when it's created with Lein-sperm, well it's obviously something God wanted to happen. I've talked to several prominent businessmen in the Arizona area about their interst in bottling it to be honest. It's pretty much liquid gold," said Warner.

Leinart who ironically got used to having lots of protection at USC behind his veteran offensive line, was relatively inexperienced in providing any for himself. It seems his bank account has been sacked and now it's 2nd and child support to go.

"Pistol" Pete Carroll, Leinart's former coach at USC said, "Matt's a great kid, loaded with athleticism, tons of charm and good looks. This was inevitable. I mean, he's given it to White Bush for the last three years when you think about it hahaha."

Leinart will make a great father and even better ~~husband~~ out of wedlock friend. We wish all the best to the Leinart and Cameron families, independantly of course.

Announcement Pt. 2

2006-10-26T13:14:00.000-05:00

Drew makes a very good and valid point in the comments section of my previous announcement. Why have two mediocre blogs, when I can have THE GREATEST BLOG IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!! (evil laugh)

It makes no sense. People that like sports can read sport posts, people that like celebrity coke-whores can read about that, people that like me can read about me and then berate me in the comments section, etc...

It really makes no sense, and if it don't make dollars...it don't make cents (Pete Boone)

Annoucement

2006-10-24T19:13:00.000-05:00

In an effort to appease my readers, I'm going to keep this blog as the more entertainment/humor/pop culture/my life blog, and I'll be starting a new blog entitled "GoodBetterBestSports," to do the obvious (for those of you that are retarded, that means on that blog I'll talk about all things sports) It will be serious, it will be funny, and it will be informative.

Keep an eye open for that. I'm about to go big or go home with each of these blogs as I realize they are my only ticket out of normalcy. The new sports blog will make its debut before the weekend and in time to talk about how the "World's Largest Cocktail Party" is no longer allowed to be called the "World's Largest Cocktail Party."

Stay tuned.

I've got a golf tournament on Thursday too. Should I live blog?

11:37 - I tee off.
11:38 - ball lands in fairway
11:42 - I arrive at ball and size up next shot
11:43 - I swing.
11:43 - I cuss and throw club

I think it could be exciting.

Hello All

2006-10-22T21:40:00.000-05:00

You might remember from an old blog, and old title. A title in which I lied to you, lied to you over and over. Daily? Please. We all know it was anything but. This is a chance for rebirth. We all know that change is necessary for things to grow.

This blog will be more of the same, but updated much more often, and hopefully be much much funnier. Celebrities, sports, parody, a little news, a little of me and my life, and a little of you hopefully. I'd love interactiveness and I'll think of ways to get that accomplished.

I know it's going to be difficult to have the same number of readers as I had at the previous address because this will be difficult to find at first. But, those of you that happen upon this blog, please spread the link to your friends and help this site really take off. It'll help me stay motivated to post and for each of you to procrastinate at work and school.

It's a win/win.

I had too many "outsiders" reading my last blog, and for that, I shut it right down. This blog is for me, and most importantly it's for y'all. Keep reading, keep commenting, and keep me going.

Thank you.

Coach Creates Disaster to Breed Success

2006-10-22T17:42:00.000-05:00

(Oxford, Miss.) - Nearly a year after Hurricane Katrina ravaged the gulf coast region the memories of it still linger as fresh as ever to those affected. Just ask University of Mississippi head football coach Ed Orgeron. Orgeron saw first hand the destruction the hurricane caused in his native Louisiana as well as his new home state of Mississippi. But, amongst all the devastating damage, the wrecked and lost lives, and complete loss of hope Orgeron was able to look on the bright side, and says he wants to create another Katrina. But, why?

Orgeron, a lifelong Saints fan and Superdome attendant watched in horror as thousands of poor and then homeless people filled his dome in the aftermath of Katrina and the levee breaches that flooded New Orleans. "De' jus feeld in da dom an tuk it ova. Piss'n and poop'n erwher. Crawdads don evn do dat and de livin da mawd, " said Orgeron. Clearly unhappy with the situation then, things have changed for Oregeron and his thoughts of the Superdome and the Saints, and now he's even using them as a model for success as he tries to build not only a program at Ole Miss, but a Category 5 hurricane.

After watching the Saints get off to a 5-1 record taking a 2-game lead in their division, and selling out all their home games for the next year, Orgeron and Ole Miss atheltic director Pete Boone have decided it is in the schools best interest to create a category 5 storm, house refugees at Vaught-Hemingway stadium and do an estimated $2 billion in damage to the area in an effort to give the program a bit of a resurgence.

When asked Boone said, "Money money money monneeeeeeeey.....monnnnnneeyyy!!" Not really understanding Boone's answer, I pressed on asking what kind of sense creating a devastating storm made in an effort to spark some wins? His response, "If it don't make dollars, it don't make cents baby!" Again, it was clear there was some kind of miscommunication. The two men say that creating a storm of this magnitude can prove difficult but that after hiring an experienced staff of former Hurricane coordinators, it's a task that isn't impossible. The staff they are referring to consists of Dan Werner and Hugh Freeze, two former Miami Hurricane coordiantors, who don't know a thing about meteorology. "U naw yu git guys lik Dahn Wurna and Hoo Free woo ben roun da canes bafoh an jus lik dat uz gaht a stormah bruin," said Orgeron. After being told that just because they coached a team nicknamed the Hurricanes that didn't necessarily mean that either knew a hurricane from the flushing of their toilets Orgeron responded by saying, "Lestin azzho, Dahn an Hoo gon help Pete an I mak dis storm an git dis Rebul teme sum winz. Indo storie brutha."

There is no estimated time table for when the storm will be created, or if it can be, much less when the university plans to release it on the North Mississippi area. If successful in destroying the community with this storm, the Rebels will take the 2007 football season to the road, playing their home games in an area affected by a natural disaster years ago, Starkville, Ms. Starkville has still not recovered from the Jackie Plague that devastated the area from the 90's until the brink of the 21st century. The town plans to make room for the Rebels by sending their own mess of a program, the Mississippi State Bulldogs, to Iraq for the season. This is part of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfelds new plan for a less offensive approach in Iraq.

After the 2007 season the Rebels will return home to a revamped Vaught-Hemingway stadium. Vaught-Hemingway will undergo a massive facelift after being used as a haven for Lafayatte County revugees in the wake of Hurricane OrgerBoone. At this point forecasters have been unable to determine what kind of a destruction and chaos will ensue when thousands of fraternity and sorority brats as well as senior citizens converge on the stadium. Some eyewitnesses have even said they've seen tent communities go up in the grove. Clearly these are bleak times in Oxford. But, bleak for just a short while Orgeron and Boone hope.

"Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington...what do these names mean to you?" asked Pete Boone. Great innovative minds? "Money motherf*#ker," said Boone. "New Orleans has seen an economic boom after Katrina, and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit back and allow Ray Nagan to out-think and out-profit me, Pete Boone," said Boone.

In closing Orgeron said, "Dis jus sumtin we put head tugetha an cum up wif. Seein Saint du wut dey do mak ya beliv it can be dun n e whar. Oxfah n e whar rite? We gon fuk dis beech up tu git whar wee wunna go, an wee wun go up."