Coach Creates Disaster to Breed Success

(Oxford, Miss.) - Nearly a year after Hurricane Katrina ravaged the gulf coast region the memories of it still linger as fresh as ever to those affected. Just ask University of Mississippi head football coach Ed Orgeron. Orgeron saw first hand the destruction the hurricane caused in his native Louisiana as well as his new home state of Mississippi. But, amongst all the devastating damage, the wrecked and lost lives, and complete loss of hope Orgeron was able to look on the bright side, and says he wants to create another Katrina. But, why?

Orgeron, a lifelong Saints fan and Superdome attendant watched in horror as thousands of poor and then homeless people filled his dome in the aftermath of Katrina and the levee breaches that flooded New Orleans. "De' jus feeld in da dom an tuk it ova. Piss'n and poop'n erwher. Crawdads don evn do dat and de livin da mawd, " said Orgeron. Clearly unhappy with the situation then, things have changed for Oregeron and his thoughts of the Superdome and the Saints, and now he's even using them as a model for success as he tries to build not only a program at Ole Miss, but a Category 5 hurricane.

After watching the Saints get off to a 5-1 record taking a 2-game lead in their division, and selling out all their home games for the next year, Orgeron and Ole Miss atheltic director Pete Boone have decided it is in the schools best interest to create a category 5 storm, house refugees at Vaught-Hemingway stadium and do an estimated $2 billion in damage to the area in an effort to give the program a bit of a resurgence.

When asked Boone said, "Money money money monneeeeeeeey.....monnnnnneeyyy!!" Not really understanding Boone's answer, I pressed on asking what kind of sense creating a devastating storm made in an effort to spark some wins? His response, "If it don't make dollars, it don't make cents baby!" Again, it was clear there was some kind of miscommunication. The two men say that creating a storm of this magnitude can prove difficult but that after hiring an experienced staff of former Hurricane coordinators, it's a task that isn't impossible. The staff they are referring to consists of Dan Werner and Hugh Freeze, two former Miami Hurricane coordiantors, who don't know a thing about meteorology. "U naw yu git guys lik Dahn Wurna and Hoo Free woo ben roun da canes bafoh an jus lik dat uz gaht a stormah bruin," said Orgeron. After being told that just because they coached a team nicknamed the Hurricanes that didn't necessarily mean that either knew a hurricane from the flushing of their toilets Orgeron responded by saying, "Lestin azzho, Dahn an Hoo gon help Pete an I mak dis storm an git dis Rebul teme sum winz. Indo storie brutha."

There is no estimated time table for when the storm will be created, or if it can be, much less when the university plans to release it on the North Mississippi area. If successful in destroying the community with this storm, the Rebels will take the 2007 football season to the road, playing their home games in an area affected by a natural disaster years ago, Starkville, Ms. Starkville has still not recovered from the Jackie Plague that devastated the area from the 90's until the brink of the 21st century. The town plans to make room for the Rebels by sending their own mess of a program, the Mississippi State Bulldogs, to Iraq for the season. This is part of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfelds new plan for a less offensive approach in Iraq.

After the 2007 season the Rebels will return home to a revamped Vaught-Hemingway stadium. Vaught-Hemingway will undergo a massive facelift after being used as a haven for Lafayatte County revugees in the wake of Hurricane OrgerBoone. At this point forecasters have been unable to determine what kind of a destruction and chaos will ensue when thousands of fraternity and sorority brats as well as senior citizens converge on the stadium. Some eyewitnesses have even said they've seen tent communities go up in the grove. Clearly these are bleak times in Oxford. But, bleak for just a short while Orgeron and Boone hope.

"Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington...what do these names mean to you?" asked Pete Boone. Great innovative minds? "Money motherf*#ker," said Boone. "New Orleans has seen an economic boom after Katrina, and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit back and allow Ray Nagan to out-think and out-profit me, Pete Boone," said Boone.

In closing Orgeron said, "Dis jus sumtin we put head tugetha an cum up wif. Seein Saint du wut dey do mak ya beliv it can be dun n e whar. Oxfah n e whar rite? We gon fuk dis beech up tu git whar wee wunna go, an wee wun go up."