So...You Want to be Awesome?
What's up playazzzzzzzz with a zzzzzz, cause z's are more fucking awezome than s's. Theze guyz = awezome. Yea, zeriouzly there'z a math equation that literally meazures awezomenezz and theze guyz...off the f'in chartz.
Ok, enough with the whole z instead of s thing, that was only awesome for a few minutes, it didn't have that awesome staying power the guys pictured above do.
Many people around the world struggle with a variety of things, some of them we can relate to and some we can't, like obesity, how someone could be so fat and disgusting and have generally no regard for life is beyond me, but maybe that's not for me to understand...you know? But, the one thing we all struggle with, universally, is how to be awesome.
You've thought about it before, shit, you're probably thinking it right now! "Am I going to be a little more awesome from visiting a blog on the internet?" Chances are, that unless you have your hair gel'd to a near shiv like texture, then no. But...under the small circumstance that you drove home in a souped up mustang to read this blog from your mac, then yes...you'll be a little more awesome when we are finished.
Being awesome isn't something that just us young bucks think about. Our parents often fretted over whether what they were doing was going to make them awesome. I know, seems hard to understand and grasp. How could the same person that wiped your ass and cleaned up spit-up ever be awesome? Well, if you're like me and your parents were born in the 50's, then they were even more awesome then you might realize. Ever heard of Woodstock...fucking awesome. Elvis Pressley...King Ding-a-Awesome. That had more awesome things that we could ever dream of. But, I'm not here to talk about yesteryear, I'm here to talk about how does our generation become awesome.
It's really pretty easy. Just study this picture above if you're a guy, mimick the styling of the clothes, hair, and facial expression and with just a little extra work...you're awesome. The hardest part is going to be making those cool facial expressions for an entire day. I recommend renting "Zoolander," and freeze-framing the dvd whenever Ben Stiller shows you Blue Steel. That facial expression is awesome. Make sure to practice gel'ing your hair too. There's a fine line between awesome spiked hair and looking like a porcupine. No awesome ho likes a porcupine. I recommend spending between 15-20 hours a day in front of your mirror practicing the facial expressions and working on your hair. Please ensure that your Zune is plugged into a sweet boombox and pumping the latest from Paul Okenfold and that you turn on your overhead blacklight. That's really going to help. Once you get the look down (probably anywhere between 2-6 months later) start practicing awesome syntax like, "sweet" "fuck yea" "hold up shawty, lemme holla at ya" and last but not least "awesome." It's really important when using any of these phrases that you remember to not over-pronunciate any of the words. Proper grammar and speech is the first sign that you are a douchebag, and clearly not awesome.
So, you've got the styling, facial expression, the grammar, and the music down...what's next? Tanning asshole...tanning. You can't be awesome and be pale. Look at Casper, he's pale as shit, and you know what else he is...dead. Dead people aren't awesome, unless they die doing awesome things, like nude motorcross while drunk, high, and finger banging a midget clown. So, get out there kid-o and throw some bronzer on because it's time to get melanoma, melanoma means you are awesome. If you leave somewhere like North Dakota, sun based tanning be difficult. Thank god for tanning beds. If you aren't awesome enough to buy your own tanning bed, then try finding a local tanning salon in your town. Since most towns have an awesome to douchebag ratio of 6-1, finding an awesome person who opened a salon shouldn't be too hard. Ask about the lifetime special, if they tell you they don't offer such a deal, tell them they aren't awesome.
So, now that that's taken care of, go ahead and hop in that superbed. You'll want to bring an awesome engineer with you the first time so you can rewire the bed to make it hotter than the sun. You won't get an awesome tan until you burn off your top layer of unawesome skin. Once ou hit the tanning bed for 6 hours a day for the rest of our life, you're almost awesome.
No awesome guy is really awesome until he finds an equally awesome girl. There's some hot spots where awesome girls hang out, like Hot Topic in the mall. If you can't find an awesome girl there, I'll give you my awesomeness!! Hot Topic's not the only place to find an awesome girl though, sometimes you can find them working the desk of your tanning salon or a shoe store like Journey's, also in the mall. Detecting an awesome girl can be difficult. The best way to judge if a girl is awesome or not is to see what happens when you expose yourself to her and say, "Suck this bitch." Her reaction will dictate whether she is awesome or not.
Once you find that special awesome girl, gather up with your awesome friends and sit in the back of your buddy Spike's pick-up truck. Drink beer, cuss a lot, yell at people, and have Skynard playing at a near deafening level, because that's what will let the other passersby know you aren't fucking around, and are awesome. If you live in a town with a square, start driving around it at 4pm and don't stop until you either throw up or the cops stop you. Driving in circles around a square is so awesome it's almost not awesome. Cops can also be awesome, so don't just think because one pulls up and starts to meat out that he is automatically not awesome. Cops have nightsticks, pepper-spray, and handcuffs, which are all awesome things. Some cops didn't graduate high school and are now taking out their pent-up frustration on people who are in a position to not really defend themselves against a cops position of power and authority and that's aweseome. Bullying people is awesome 101. If possible, get a girl pregnant, hell get three pregnant, tell them you're not the father even if paternity tests prove without a doubt that you are. Neglecting responsibility is like the first commandment of being awesome. Having a girl make you take a paternity test...not awesome and a true sign that your chick has been faking awesome for the few hours you've known her.
So, just try and follow a couple of these things and in a few weeks, you'll probably be awesome. If you're not, kill yourself. There's really no reason to live unless you're awesome.