You all remember my heart warming story about the horse named
Barbaro from just a few months ago. For those of you that don't know the emotionally gripping story, I'll break it down for you. Barbaro was your Kentucky Derby winner. He dominated the field, and buried his competition. (Not literally, because just as Mr. Jinx, he lacked the opposable thumbs to actually bury someone) He proved to the world that he was a horse to be feared and would won day live in infamy. Some thought Barbaro was the answer to the U.S. struggles in Iraq. Some thought he could cure cancer. Barbaro was hung like a horse, and not just because he was one either. But then, Barbaro's world came crashing down like his morning oats.
As Barbaro looked to defend his Kentucky Derby victory and saught to obtain the allusive "Triple Crown," he shattered his off-hind (horse talk) leg during the Preakness. The injury was horrific, and America gasped. Had a hero fallen? What would happen to the war on terror, the economy, the (gulp) world? No one had answers, heads were exploding. As NATO scrambled forces and Jesus thought about whether now was the appropriate time to return or not, one man came to the forefront to save man and horsekind...
His name is
Dean Richardson and he saved the universe. Not only did he save Barbaro and the universe, but he has also been nominated as one of the candidates for
Sports Illustrated's Sportsmen of the Year. Richardson and his crack staff of doctors operated on Barbaro shortly after the horrific injury. With little time to save the horses life and get the Earth back within is normal rotation, Richardson inserted 27 screws and a 16-hole titanium plate in the leg to stabilize the bones and the U.S. stock market. Dean Richardson, hero? Yes, I think so, and so did America. Day after day and week after week people sent letters to not only Richardson, who could read, but to Barbaro, who could read
and write!! As Barbaro sat suspended in a sling that dipped him in water so he could keep his legs loose and his nuts withered, he read letter after letter from boys, girls, and animals alike. This new stardom was nothing new to Barbaro, after all he had parted the Red Sea and rolled the boulder away from Christ's tomb, but that's not to say it didn't affect him.
When word broke that the neighboring female horses were talking to Barbaro without much reaction from him America gasped and wondered whether or not Barbaro would ever procreate again. It didn't take long for each of us to rest assured. After a "session" with Richardson, Barbaro was back to his old self. He began spitting mad game to the females...literally!! Soon after spitting game he was seen mounting one horse after another, ironically in a position still called "doggystyle." Some human female fans such as
Paris Hilton and
Lindsay Lohan were even mounted. It's rumored, but not confirmed that
K-Fed even showed some infedility to his wife with Barbaro and was inspired to write his hit single "Papazao," after one such encounter.
To sum it up, thank you Dean Richardson. Whether you know it or not, you gave humanity at least another few years. Without you, global warming would definitely have overtaken us by now. For you see Dick, you don't mind if I call you Dick do you Dean? Barbaro's manure has radioactive chemicals that emit a cloud of protection keeping out the suns harmful rays, thereby cooling Earth. It's said that when Barbaro was constipated for a week, the Earth warmed, and the core of Earth became unstable creating an earthquake off the coast of Thailand, which eventually led to the deadly tsunami. Clearly Barbaro is the shit, or his shit is the shit, however you want to look at it.
Dean Richardson, Dick...thank you from all of us.
