So...You Want to be Awesome?

What's up playazzzzzzzz with a zzzzzz, cause z's are more fucking awezome than s's. Theze guyz = awezome. Yea, zeriouzly there'z a math equation that literally meazures awezomenezz and theze guyz...off the f'in chartz.

Ok, enough with the whole z instead of s thing, that was only awesome for a few minutes, it didn't have that awesome staying power the guys pictured above do.

Many people around the world struggle with a variety of things, some of them we can relate to and some we can't, like obesity, how someone could be so fat and disgusting and have generally no regard for life is beyond me, but maybe that's not for me to understand...you know? But, the one thing we all struggle with, universally, is how to be awesome.

You've thought about it before, shit, you're probably thinking it right now! "Am I going to be a little more awesome from visiting a blog on the internet?" Chances are, that unless you have your hair gel'd to a near shiv like texture, then no. But...under the small circumstance that you drove home in a souped up mustang to read this blog from your mac, then yes...you'll be a little more awesome when we are finished.

Being awesome isn't something that just us young bucks think about. Our parents often fretted over whether what they were doing was going to make them awesome. I know, seems hard to understand and grasp. How could the same person that wiped your ass and cleaned up spit-up ever be awesome? Well, if you're like me and your parents were born in the 50's, then they were even more awesome then you might realize. Ever heard of Woodstock...fucking awesome. Elvis Pressley...King Ding-a-Awesome. That had more awesome things that we could ever dream of. But, I'm not here to talk about yesteryear, I'm here to talk about how does our generation become awesome.

It's really pretty easy. Just study this picture above if you're a guy, mimick the styling of the clothes, hair, and facial expression and with just a little extra work...you're awesome. The hardest part is going to be making those cool facial expressions for an entire day. I recommend renting "Zoolander," and freeze-framing the dvd whenever Ben Stiller shows you Blue Steel. That facial expression is awesome. Make sure to practice gel'ing your hair too. There's a fine line between awesome spiked hair and looking like a porcupine. No awesome ho likes a porcupine. I recommend spending between 15-20 hours a day in front of your mirror practicing the facial expressions and working on your hair. Please ensure that your Zune is plugged into a sweet boombox and pumping the latest from Paul Okenfold and that you turn on your overhead blacklight. That's really going to help. Once you get the look down (probably anywhere between 2-6 months later) start practicing awesome syntax like, "sweet" "fuck yea" "hold up shawty, lemme holla at ya" and last but not least "awesome." It's really important when using any of these phrases that you remember to not over-pronunciate any of the words. Proper grammar and speech is the first sign that you are a douchebag, and clearly not awesome.

So, you've got the styling, facial expression, the grammar, and the music down...what's next? Tanning asshole...tanning. You can't be awesome and be pale. Look at Casper, he's pale as shit, and you know what else he is...dead. Dead people aren't awesome, unless they die doing awesome things, like nude motorcross while drunk, high, and finger banging a midget clown. So, get out there kid-o and throw some bronzer on because it's time to get melanoma, melanoma means you are awesome. If you leave somewhere like North Dakota, sun based tanning be difficult. Thank god for tanning beds. If you aren't awesome enough to buy your own tanning bed, then try finding a local tanning salon in your town. Since most towns have an awesome to douchebag ratio of 6-1, finding an awesome person who opened a salon shouldn't be too hard. Ask about the lifetime special, if they tell you they don't offer such a deal, tell them they aren't awesome.

**Fact**

When a clearly awesome person tells someone who questions their awesomeness that they may in fact not even be awesome at all, it creates what is called the "awesome effect." During this effect the person who is questioning their own awesomeness will do anything they can to appear to be awesome in front of an awesome person. Bingo bongo bango...you've got your lifetime tanning pass!

So, now that that's taken care of, go ahead and hop in that superbed. You'll want to bring an awesome engineer with you the first time so you can rewire the bed to make it hotter than the sun. You won't get an awesome tan until you burn off your top layer of unawesome skin. Once ou hit the tanning bed for 6 hours a day for the rest of our life, you're almost awesome.

No awesome guy is really awesome until he finds an equally awesome girl. There's some hot spots where awesome girls hang out, like Hot Topic in the mall. If you can't find an awesome girl there, I'll give you my awesomeness!! Hot Topic's not the only place to find an awesome girl though, sometimes you can find them working the desk of your tanning salon or a shoe store like Journey's, also in the mall. Detecting an awesome girl can be difficult. The best way to judge if a girl is awesome or not is to see what happens when you expose yourself to her and say, "Suck this bitch." Her reaction will dictate whether she is awesome or not.

Once you find that special awesome girl, gather up with your awesome friends and sit in the back of your buddy Spike's pick-up truck. Drink beer, cuss a lot, yell at people, and have Skynard playing at a near deafening level, because that's what will let the other passersby know you aren't fucking around, and are awesome. If you live in a town with a square, start driving around it at 4pm and don't stop until you either throw up or the cops stop you. Driving in circles around a square is so awesome it's almost not awesome. Cops can also be awesome, so don't just think because one pulls up and starts to meat out that he is automatically not awesome. Cops have nightsticks, pepper-spray, and handcuffs, which are all awesome things. Some cops didn't graduate high school and are now taking out their pent-up frustration on people who are in a position to not really defend themselves against a cops position of power and authority and that's aweseome. Bullying people is awesome 101. If possible, get a girl pregnant, hell get three pregnant, tell them you're not the father even if paternity tests prove without a doubt that you are. Neglecting responsibility is like the first commandment of being awesome. Having a girl make you take a paternity test...not awesome and a true sign that your chick has been faking awesome for the few hours you've known her.

So, just try and follow a couple of these things and in a few weeks, you'll probably be awesome. If you're not, kill yourself. There's really no reason to live unless you're awesome.

How To Get Rid Of That Dead Hooker

Just like the questions of, "Just how infinite is space?" "how eternal is heaven?" "if Billy Joel didn't start the fire, who did?" "if you're cross-eyed and dyslexic, can you read just fine?" comes the newest mind-boggling question...how am I going to get rid of this dead hooker?

For years mankind has partaken in lewd acts with ladies of the night (at times men of the night or even she-men of the night). Sometimes in certain situations after said lewd acts are completed these people have to be taken care of. By taken care of, I don't mean you see to their medical needs for the endless supply of S.T.D.'s they have or care for the litter, yes litter, of children they haven't already off'd, I mean taken care of in the sense of, well Tony Soprano.

Ok, but then what? You and your friends have just had the bachelor party, bar mitzvah, or sixth grade graduation of your life. I'm talking Duke Lacrosse style or Michael Irvin and the Cowboys of the 90's, hookers are everywhere, and hookers are DEAD! Well, you clearly can't turn them back over to their pimp Pretty Boy Brown all black and blue from a good choke out. So, you've got to find a good place to dispose of the carcus.

This is the point in most novice hooker murdering deviants that the wheels come off and things start to unravel. Guilt sets in when you are forced to look at a dead hooker on your kitchen floor for hours and hours. How could it not? How do you kill a hooker and not suffer any guilt? Well, that's what I'm here to help you with.


Option 1: The Hooker Heave

The hooker heave is an old favorite of the hooker killers of yesteryear. Prostituting was big back in the gold mining days of the 1840's as males left their wives for years at a time to travel west to find gold and become thousandaires (millionaires wouldn't come around until sometime later). Enter any western saloon and you would see them lined up in droves. Hookers of all shapes and sizes awaiting a good romping from a dirty old panhandler. After a night of poker, moonshine, and sex with a hooker, the only thing to really set it off right was to kill her. So, there you are at The Spittoon (famous club of the day) with a dead hooker on the wooden floor. The greats would load the hooker onto the back of their horse, carry them to the local river, and give them the old 1,2,3 as far as they could toss them into the water. The beloved American game of Midget tossing is actually a direct descendant of the hooker heave. It is rumored that Jesse James once threw a hooker clear across the river and onto another traveling hooker killing her as well. Of course, this is just folklore and there is no real evidence.


Option 2: The Natalie Holloway

We've all been on the Caribbean cruise or beach vacation somewhere tropical and been in the need for some real R&R if you know what I mean. There you are at the local resort pool sipping on your 9th pina coloda of the day and then it hits you...it's time to get a hooker. So, off you go into the 3rd world Mexican town to find you a .50 cent hooker and a juicy taco (sometimes found in the same place if you're lucky). You've got her! You take her back to the room, or whatever dirt alley you can find and the fun begins. Next thing you know she's dead. Hey, it's happened to all of us. Maybe you killed her, maybe you didn't...who cares. But, YOU are solely responsible for getting rid of the body, and you know it. You call your boys Depak and Johan and you take her to the nearest cliff, make a few flesh wounds on her and stuff her pockets full of fresh chum and toss her into the sea. Next thing you know your friends jaws, nemo, and flipper are taking care of the rest and you are on your way back to the hotel for some shuffleboard with the family.


Option 3: Weekend at Bernie's

Let's just say you want a classy broad, you know, one that's been tested this millenium. You hop in the car or plane and head to Vegas, home of the strip (multiple meanings) You rent a car if you flew and you drive out to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, where the Ferrari of hookers reside. You pick out the prettiest hooker in the hooker line-up and off to the private room you go. Things are going great and then all of a sudden you go O.J. on her ass and she's dead. Again, it's happened to all of us. The meat cleaver came out and with one swoop head's are rolling (literally) Oh no, you've just killed a $1000/hour hooker. They aren't going to be too happy with that loss, or the clean up on aisle 3. Good thing you brought that human head reattachment super glue and your make-up kit though. Pick that noggin' back up and glue it back on her torso, mop up the blood, and apply a coating of make-up and everything will be just fine. (make sure you face her head the proper direction, this has cost many a hooker slayer his perfect exit, these hookers are talented, but not exorcist talented) Now then, her heads attached and she's almost looking better than when you first picked her. Put her lifeless arm around your neck and your arm around hers and pick her up. She'll be heavy, but you can do it! Now then, pretend like you are doing a three-legged race with a parapalegic and skeedaddle on out of that room. Take out to the front and sit her on a bar stool, but hold on tight bc we can't have her falling on the floor and that head popping back off now can we? Have a drink with her and make it appear everything is cool. Have three, it'll make what happens next seem more fitting. One, two, ten drinks into the evening with your dead hooker at the bar, go ahead and ask for the check. Pay up, and lay her upper torso on the bar so it looks like she's just passed out from a day/night of drinking and sex. Mosey on out and before they realize what happened your back in Peoria, Il with the wife and kids.


Option 4: The Hooker Cooker

Probably my favorite of the four options. There you are, in a foreign town with 9 of your best friends, it's a bachelor party of course. But, no bachelor party is complete without a good hooker. So, there you all are, purusing the streets. You're not from here so clearly you don't know where to find a good hooker. You finally find one with two working legs and you give her a whistle. She scurries over and knows she's about to get paid. But, what she doesn't know is that she's also about to get cooked. Oops, did we leave that out when we solicited her...I guess we did. So, there you are back at your sweet digs at the Marriot Courtyard. Go ahead and put that "do not disturb" sign on the door, because we don't want any interruptions during this party. The liquor is flowing and things are getting started. Tag team back again check it direct let's begin...it's not only playing from the boombox, it's happening in the room!! One thing leads to another which results in a dead hooker. Oops. Everyone in this room has either a wife, fiance, girlfriend, or another dead hooker at home waiting on them, we can't get burnt over some $5 hooker now can we? Good thing you brought that hooker cooker 3000 with you. Go ahead and open up the suitcase and window and start the easy assembly. In just five minutes the grill will be all set up. Once the grill is set, go ahead and drag the hooker into the bathroom. This part won't be fun, but it's necessary. Get the friend who has the strongest stomach, or best hunting background and bleed that hooker. You'll have to find a way to hang her from the ceiling, so it's best to pick a lightweight hooker if possible, but then again you might sacrifice some meat by doing so. This is what we call the double-edged sword of this situation. You do what works best for you and the group. Maybe you had krystal earlier, and this is just a little desert. Situation dictates what happens here. Anywho, I digress. Once she's good and dry take the meat (hooker) back out to where you've set the grill up. Go ahead and throw her on for 10 minutes, yes only 10 minutes. Just set it, and forget it!! That's actually another infomercial, but the concept is the same. The Hooker Cooker will do all the work for you. It's a rotessiere of prostitution! Go ahead and call room service and have them leave a bottle of chianti at the door. Once the meat looks ready, go ahead, dig in, don't be scared to get your hands dirty that's why you brought the Hooker whipes remember!! Clean-up is as easy as removing the top shelf and rinsing in the shower. Hooker meat is tender and light so there shouldn't be much leftover, and if there is stuff it under the hotel mattress, we all know no one looks there or cleans it. Next morning, you and your friends get up and off you go back to your hometowns and lives, nothing on the mind and a little extra in the stomach. Feeling good!

So, there you have it folks, one of life's greatest mysteries explained with a few simple options that you and your friends can implement in almost any city in the world!

Tune in next week for "Fun things to do with Midgets Part 1 of 45."