Cardinal Red = Blood Red

That's right St. Louis fans, there's reason to celebrate. Not only did you defeat the Detroit Tigers to win your first World Series in 20+ years, you've just won and even more prestigious award. You St. Louis, are AMERICA'S MOST DANGEROUS CITY!!!

That's right Cardinal, Ram, Blues, and Nelly fans alike...you've just toppled Detroit, not once, but TWICE in the same week. Detroit, long called East or West Vietnam, (depending on which way you choose to circle the globe) has been a staple in any statistical information pertaining to crime and danger for the last 30 years. The city of Detroit has long been known as the "Motor City" for it's ties to the production of automobiles, or as "Motown" for its affiliation with Quincy Jones' record label. Some naysayers believe the true meaning stems from the "Motor-boat City,"in reference to Detroitees love for burying their faces deep within the cleavage of their loved ones and becoming as Vince Vaughn would say, "motorboatin' sons-a-bitches." After receiving the illustrious "most dangerous" award over the past few years, some started calling Detroit the "murder city," a distinction they can no longer claim.

St. Louis' close-proximity to the Mississippi River makes it the perfect city to take over the title of "most dangerous," as the river is very fertile ground for dumping bodies. Long known as the "Gateway to the Midwest" it is thought that the arch was originally built as a portal for Satan to emerge through, furthering their chances to one day obtain this "most dangerous" distinction. Some believe this "portal" gives St. Louis an unfair advantage. One such opponent is Compton, Ca. resident Tyrell Washington Jackson Lincoln Cleveland Kennedy Jefferson Monroe Adams IV saying, "It's just not right...we've got L.A., San Diego, and Tijuana funneling major drugs into our neighborhood causing all sorts of crime, they've got a portal for Satan. Which do you think is going to win? It's some bull$hit."

Long time resident and former St. Louis Cardinal Mark McGwire decided to break a long quiet period and speak out on the issue saying, "This crime thing has been a problem since I got here from Oakland. Honestly, I think crime follows me. Oakland has been a mainstay in the top 10 for quite some time as well. Look, it's honestly time I got this off my chest...yes, I did steroids. I had to for Christ's sake. As if it's not hard enough to keep up in the record books with Mantle, Gehrig, Mays, and Ruth, now I have to worry about getting mugged on the way back to my car? Of course I'm going to stick a needle in my ass, it's better than the alternative I'd get in my ass from not bulking up."

Some St. Louis residents were pleased that their city had achieved the highest award for a shitty city. Nelly, a local rapper who is hoping to one day achieve mainstream success said, "Ye' pimp'n, I made that #1 joint a few years back pretty much as an ode to the city taken the title this year. I guess I was on that Nastrodamus shit playa, you feel me? This being the most dangerous might finally solidify me as a street rapper and not some pop punk Vanilla Ice everyone thinks I am. I need this shawty, I mean shit...I made that joint with Kelly Rowland from Destiny's Child, you think I can recover from that without us showing we can cut some motherfu#^ers? I'd kill someone if I knew how to do it!"

Mike Martz, former St. Louis Ram head coach and current Detroit Lion offensive coordinator, is a man who knows both cities very well. "When I was calling plays in St. Louis, people criticized me for always going deep and never pounding the ball up the gut. Look, that's just the way we had to do it there. If you pile everyone together at the line scrimmage that just creates an easy target for the easily 20,000 snipers in the crowd. Move the guys around and let them run, we might only lose a string a game. I can live with that, if I live at all."

So, here's to you St. Louis. You are the city that gives guys like Lawrence Phillips and Leonard Little their 9th chances. Sure they've killed more hookers than Michael Irvin on a weekend and dealt more marijuana than Nate Newton could fit in his mini-van, but would you be the nations "most dangerous" state without people of their character? I think not.