Cardinal Red = Blood Red

That's right St. Louis fans, there's reason to celebrate. Not only did you defeat the Detroit Tigers to win your first World Series in 20+ years, you've just won and even more prestigious award. You St. Louis, are AMERICA'S MOST DANGEROUS CITY!!!

That's right Cardinal, Ram, Blues, and Nelly fans alike...you've just toppled Detroit, not once, but TWICE in the same week. Detroit, long called East or West Vietnam, (depending on which way you choose to circle the globe) has been a staple in any statistical information pertaining to crime and danger for the last 30 years. The city of Detroit has long been known as the "Motor City" for it's ties to the production of automobiles, or as "Motown" for its affiliation with Quincy Jones' record label. Some naysayers believe the true meaning stems from the "Motor-boat City,"in reference to Detroitees love for burying their faces deep within the cleavage of their loved ones and becoming as Vince Vaughn would say, "motorboatin' sons-a-bitches." After receiving the illustrious "most dangerous" award over the past few years, some started calling Detroit the "murder city," a distinction they can no longer claim.

St. Louis' close-proximity to the Mississippi River makes it the perfect city to take over the title of "most dangerous," as the river is very fertile ground for dumping bodies. Long known as the "Gateway to the Midwest" it is thought that the arch was originally built as a portal for Satan to emerge through, furthering their chances to one day obtain this "most dangerous" distinction. Some believe this "portal" gives St. Louis an unfair advantage. One such opponent is Compton, Ca. resident Tyrell Washington Jackson Lincoln Cleveland Kennedy Jefferson Monroe Adams IV saying, "It's just not right...we've got L.A., San Diego, and Tijuana funneling major drugs into our neighborhood causing all sorts of crime, they've got a portal for Satan. Which do you think is going to win? It's some bull$hit."

Long time resident and former St. Louis Cardinal Mark McGwire decided to break a long quiet period and speak out on the issue saying, "This crime thing has been a problem since I got here from Oakland. Honestly, I think crime follows me. Oakland has been a mainstay in the top 10 for quite some time as well. Look, it's honestly time I got this off my chest...yes, I did steroids. I had to for Christ's sake. As if it's not hard enough to keep up in the record books with Mantle, Gehrig, Mays, and Ruth, now I have to worry about getting mugged on the way back to my car? Of course I'm going to stick a needle in my ass, it's better than the alternative I'd get in my ass from not bulking up."

Some St. Louis residents were pleased that their city had achieved the highest award for a shitty city. Nelly, a local rapper who is hoping to one day achieve mainstream success said, "Ye' pimp'n, I made that #1 joint a few years back pretty much as an ode to the city taken the title this year. I guess I was on that Nastrodamus shit playa, you feel me? This being the most dangerous might finally solidify me as a street rapper and not some pop punk Vanilla Ice everyone thinks I am. I need this shawty, I mean shit...I made that joint with Kelly Rowland from Destiny's Child, you think I can recover from that without us showing we can cut some motherfu#^ers? I'd kill someone if I knew how to do it!"

Mike Martz, former St. Louis Ram head coach and current Detroit Lion offensive coordinator, is a man who knows both cities very well. "When I was calling plays in St. Louis, people criticized me for always going deep and never pounding the ball up the gut. Look, that's just the way we had to do it there. If you pile everyone together at the line scrimmage that just creates an easy target for the easily 20,000 snipers in the crowd. Move the guys around and let them run, we might only lose a string a game. I can live with that, if I live at all."

So, here's to you St. Louis. You are the city that gives guys like Lawrence Phillips and Leonard Little their 9th chances. Sure they've killed more hookers than Michael Irvin on a weekend and dealt more marijuana than Nate Newton could fit in his mini-van, but would you be the nations "most dangerous" state without people of their character? I think not.

I Was A Trojan, But Didn't Use One...

And this is my confession. I am Matt Leinart, and I'm a daddy.



Leinart and girl he knocked up former girlfriend Brynn Cameron gave birth to a new baby boy, Cole, Tuesday night. This is just one of many illegitimate children Leinart will have in his career in beautiful Arizona. Ovaries around the world are lining up to fuse with Leinart's magic sperm. I mean, if you were an ovary would you not want some of that action? Think of the masterpiece you could create. Tall, athletic, good looking, charming, big city saavy...everything you need to be a multi-millionaire.

Brynn played basketball for the University of Southern California, and believe it or not she didn't look like Rebecca Lobo. She's actually hot!!

Baby Mama:



**Note - She's not on the left and she's wearing #11. I know I know, it's hard to tell. **

Cole Leinart, who could probably already start for the Arizona Cardinals, didn't have anything to say at press time.

Kurt Warner, former Cardinal quarterback turned fumbling baffoon, wished Leinart all the best. "My spikey-haired husband wife and I are just so happy for Matt and Brynn. You know, we are very religious folk so a child born out of wedlock is usually something we frown upon, but when it's created with Lein-sperm, well it's obviously something God wanted to happen. I've talked to several prominent businessmen in the Arizona area about their interst in bottling it to be honest. It's pretty much liquid gold," said Warner.

Leinart who ironically got used to having lots of protection at USC behind his veteran offensive line, was relatively inexperienced in providing any for himself. It seems his bank account has been sacked and now it's 2nd and child support to go.

"Pistol" Pete Carroll, Leinart's former coach at USC said, "Matt's a great kid, loaded with athleticism, tons of charm and good looks. This was inevitable. I mean, he's given it to White Bush for the last three years when you think about it hahaha."

Leinart will make a great father and even better husband out of wedlock friend. We wish all the best to the Leinart and Cameron families, independantly of course.

Announcement Pt. 2

Drew makes a very good and valid point in the comments section of my previous announcement. Why have two mediocre blogs, when I can have THE GREATEST BLOG IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!! (evil laugh)

It makes no sense. People that like sports can read sport posts, people that like celebrity coke-whores can read about that, people that like me can read about me and then berate me in the comments section, etc...

It really makes no sense, and if it don't make dollars...it don't make cents (Pete Boone)

Annoucement

In an effort to appease my readers, I'm going to keep this blog as the more entertainment/humor/pop culture/my life blog, and I'll be starting a new blog entitled "GoodBetterBestSports," to do the obvious (for those of you that are retarded, that means on that blog I'll talk about all things sports) It will be serious, it will be funny, and it will be informative.

Keep an eye open for that. I'm about to go big or go home with each of these blogs as I realize they are my only ticket out of normalcy. The new sports blog will make its debut before the weekend and in time to talk about how the "World's Largest Cocktail Party" is no longer allowed to be called the "World's Largest Cocktail Party."

Stay tuned.

I've got a golf tournament on Thursday too. Should I live blog?

11:37 - I tee off.
11:38 - ball lands in fairway
11:42 - I arrive at ball and size up next shot
11:43 - I swing.
11:43 - I cuss and throw club

I think it could be exciting.

Hello All

You might remember from an old blog, and old title. A title in which I lied to you, lied to you over and over. Daily? Please. We all know it was anything but. This is a chance for rebirth. We all know that change is necessary for things to grow.

This blog will be more of the same, but updated much more often, and hopefully be much much funnier. Celebrities, sports, parody, a little news, a little of me and my life, and a little of you hopefully. I'd love interactiveness and I'll think of ways to get that accomplished.

I know it's going to be difficult to have the same number of readers as I had at the previous address because this will be difficult to find at first. But, those of you that happen upon this blog, please spread the link to your friends and help this site really take off. It'll help me stay motivated to post and for each of you to procrastinate at work and school.

It's a win/win.

I had too many "outsiders" reading my last blog, and for that, I shut it right down. This blog is for me, and most importantly it's for y'all. Keep reading, keep commenting, and keep me going.

Thank you.

Coach Creates Disaster to Breed Success

(Oxford, Miss.) - Nearly a year after Hurricane Katrina ravaged the gulf coast region the memories of it still linger as fresh as ever to those affected. Just ask University of Mississippi head football coach Ed Orgeron. Orgeron saw first hand the destruction the hurricane caused in his native Louisiana as well as his new home state of Mississippi. But, amongst all the devastating damage, the wrecked and lost lives, and complete loss of hope Orgeron was able to look on the bright side, and says he wants to create another Katrina. But, why?

Orgeron, a lifelong Saints fan and Superdome attendant watched in horror as thousands of poor and then homeless people filled his dome in the aftermath of Katrina and the levee breaches that flooded New Orleans. "De' jus feeld in da dom an tuk it ova. Piss'n and poop'n erwher. Crawdads don evn do dat and de livin da mawd, " said Orgeron. Clearly unhappy with the situation then, things have changed for Oregeron and his thoughts of the Superdome and the Saints, and now he's even using them as a model for success as he tries to build not only a program at Ole Miss, but a Category 5 hurricane.

After watching the Saints get off to a 5-1 record taking a 2-game lead in their division, and selling out all their home games for the next year, Orgeron and Ole Miss atheltic director Pete Boone have decided it is in the schools best interest to create a category 5 storm, house refugees at Vaught-Hemingway stadium and do an estimated $2 billion in damage to the area in an effort to give the program a bit of a resurgence.

When asked Boone said, "Money money money monneeeeeeeey.....monnnnnneeyyy!!" Not really understanding Boone's answer, I pressed on asking what kind of sense creating a devastating storm made in an effort to spark some wins? His response, "If it don't make dollars, it don't make cents baby!" Again, it was clear there was some kind of miscommunication. The two men say that creating a storm of this magnitude can prove difficult but that after hiring an experienced staff of former Hurricane coordinators, it's a task that isn't impossible. The staff they are referring to consists of Dan Werner and Hugh Freeze, two former Miami Hurricane coordiantors, who don't know a thing about meteorology. "U naw yu git guys lik Dahn Wurna and Hoo Free woo ben roun da canes bafoh an jus lik dat uz gaht a stormah bruin," said Orgeron. After being told that just because they coached a team nicknamed the Hurricanes that didn't necessarily mean that either knew a hurricane from the flushing of their toilets Orgeron responded by saying, "Lestin azzho, Dahn an Hoo gon help Pete an I mak dis storm an git dis Rebul teme sum winz. Indo storie brutha."

There is no estimated time table for when the storm will be created, or if it can be, much less when the university plans to release it on the North Mississippi area. If successful in destroying the community with this storm, the Rebels will take the 2007 football season to the road, playing their home games in an area affected by a natural disaster years ago, Starkville, Ms. Starkville has still not recovered from the Jackie Plague that devastated the area from the 90's until the brink of the 21st century. The town plans to make room for the Rebels by sending their own mess of a program, the Mississippi State Bulldogs, to Iraq for the season. This is part of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfelds new plan for a less offensive approach in Iraq.

After the 2007 season the Rebels will return home to a revamped Vaught-Hemingway stadium. Vaught-Hemingway will undergo a massive facelift after being used as a haven for Lafayatte County revugees in the wake of Hurricane OrgerBoone. At this point forecasters have been unable to determine what kind of a destruction and chaos will ensue when thousands of fraternity and sorority brats as well as senior citizens converge on the stadium. Some eyewitnesses have even said they've seen tent communities go up in the grove. Clearly these are bleak times in Oxford. But, bleak for just a short while Orgeron and Boone hope.

"Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington...what do these names mean to you?" asked Pete Boone. Great innovative minds? "Money motherf*#ker," said Boone. "New Orleans has seen an economic boom after Katrina, and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit back and allow Ray Nagan to out-think and out-profit me, Pete Boone," said Boone.

In closing Orgeron said, "Dis jus sumtin we put head tugetha an cum up wif. Seein Saint du wut dey do mak ya beliv it can be dun n e whar. Oxfah n e whar rite? We gon fuk dis beech up tu git whar wee wunna go, an wee wun go up."